?? Isn't it funny when you think you can count on a number of people in your life and you call them friends and hold them dear to your heart, but they end up disappointing you? When help is extremely needed, and those who CAN help don't, and end up disappearing on you, one by one? No. It's not funny at all. Actually, it's one of the worst feelings in the world! Feeling like you don't really mean anything to anybody, like they don't really trust you, like you're not important enough for them to make a sacrifice for you. It's moments like these that make me want to go home the most. There, I have my family who are actually THERE FOR ME; they are there to say "I'm in, I will help you my friend". But no, it doesn't really work like that for me here. A lot of times I feel so lost here and sometimes forget the reason I started this whole thing. I try to remind myself... it is for my education. Is this really worth it? Is this how I want to live for the rest of my life? Away from my parents? It seems like things are getting SO SO much harder, day by day. It's becoming less and less worth enduring all this fucking struggle. I am done being here!
I've heard this song awhile back at church, and I just love it so much. Every time it plays on the radio, I feel comforted and in peace. Faith has been an interest topic to me for awhile now. Stepping into the unknown and trusting that God is leading me in the right way is such a difficult thing to grasp. What if I am leading myself into the wrong path? What if I am making a mistake? Faith has no bridges, you either trust or you don't. You either commit or you don't. You either do it and jump, or you don't, and you fall.
This is one of those amazing prayer songs that at the end
you must ask yourself, "Do I really want God to do what I just asked? Take
me out of my comfort zone? Help me understand how to trust completely when
tragedy or uncertainty strikes?" Kind of scary. Takes a beautiful voice to
sing it, but it takes a tremendously strong faith to mean it. I had no problem leaving my home and family at age 17 to a completely unknown city and strangers, but that's because that was my desire, I thought it'd be beneficial, and I was called to do it since a young age. But what about those times when we feel like it's not going to be better or easier, but we still feel called to do it? What about those times when we're struggling, and we don't see the light in the end of the tunnel? What about those times when we don't really know what's the right path to take? What do you do? Where do you turn?
I'd like to believe that my faith is always going to be louder than my fears, stronger than my own desires. I'd like to think I can discern right from wrong, and if I do end up choosing the wrong path, I will learn from it, and God will help me through it. I would like to think that I don't need to fit into "the good christian" model to have faith. I don't have to be perfect in anybody's eyes, because I am not. I would like to think that my faith is based on the fact that I am small, and I need Him, who is strong and constant.
“I'm falling apart, one part after another. Falling down on the world like snow. Half of me is already on the ground, watching from below.”
― Ashley Lorenzana
Only God knows how hard these past weeks has been for me. Disappointment. Doubt. Hopelessness. Fear. Loneliness. Brokenness. Sacrifice. Dreams shattered. Countless tears shed. It feels like right when I am getting myself back up, almost standing, life knocks me down, and hits me even harder and I fall even deeper. Never hurt so bad to feel so alone. "Nobody said it was easy... nobody said it would be this hard"
...I've tried my best, but my best was never enough.
