Happiness is within us.

I've written a lot of times about happiness. I've always tried to keep the mindset that we can set our own happiness.
So many times this year already I've had things hit me so hard and knock me down... but I always keep in my mind that "this too shall pass" - and those unfortunate situations won't make me unhappy.

Within the last 12 months, I got into the biggest fight I have ever had with my brother; I called him things I never meant to - listening to the words that came out of my mouth broke my own heart... I had become somebody I wasn't: revengeful. I later on apologized to him in a letter, and I do hope one day he can forgive me. During that same time, the person who I thought would be there for me through this, decided to leave. I was heart broken twice! My heart had become so numb that I couldn't even cry. I was leaving the house at 5 in the morning and coming back home at 11 pm. Brutal. I was working endless hours, which later on I found out that all those hours of hard work weren't going to be paid. I quit my job. I felt like I wasn't appreciated and that my hard work, all those hours I put my heart and soul into it, had gone to waste!
Somehow, through all this mess, I met a wonderful person who put my life into perspective - he made me realize that I am not a horrible person, I was just hurt. He made me discover how strong I was and how much I was capable of. He pushed me emotionally, mentally, and physically. That person grabbed my hand and took me out of the hole I dug myself into. I don't think I will ever be able to repay for that short amount of time that he was able to help me.
Then, I had the person that had left me for two months, come back to me and say that he made the biggest mistake of his life. That shook my world. At that time, I was fine - I had realized how strong I could be, how much I had accomplished and that I could actually stand on my own feet again. His words to me meant so much - but I wasn't sure if I was ready to give this person, who had hurt me so much, a second chance? Well, I've always been one that chooses love over most  things, so I took the chance. At that time, I had a chance to crush his heart, like he did to me, and to soar high and feel no pitty for him. But I didn't. Instead, I took the chance to being hurt again, to open my heart so our love could be reborn. That's what I did, and that's what happened. Our love was reborn. We were closer than we had ever been. Our relationship had more trouble than before, yes, but we were working through them because we knew how much we loved each other, and that would rise above any issues - or so I thought.
For awhile, I struggled with trust. I didn't trust him he would communicate with him, I was scared of him leaving me. Feeling like that for a few months took some years out of my life but I pushed myself hard enough to bring down the wall I had carefully built. I, however, eventually did destroy that wall of doubt and fear.
The new year came and it was time to start thinking about what university I would transfer. I've had my eyes on San Diego, but now I had this wonderful man beside me that was brave and humble enough to come back and apologize for his mistakes. I had a man who would make me smile through any obstacles I faced; I had a man who would hold me tight at night, who would kiss me good night. How could I leave this man like this? He and I were what I've always wanted to have in a relationship - a person who understood my shortcomings and appreciated my virtues. I felt so blessed and loved.
This whole puzzle consumed me for months. One day I thought I wanted to go, the other I thought I wanted to stay. 
It was then that I had a plan... I wanted to stay, buy a house, and give love a shot [again].
Well, my plans didn't really go as planned. I found out that having my own home and ridding myself from landlords wouldn't be an option in the near future. That CRUSHED me. I know I dream big, but somehow I thought it could work. Well, I overcame that pretty quickly and decided to just be glad where I was - happy, with the man I love, and doing what I had dreamt since 14 - going to college abroad.
The contemplation only got worse though: now I wouldn't have what I had planned here... San Diego just seemed like such a much better option for a while - better school, better weather, more opportunity. Only one problem - no emotional support, greater financial stress, far away. Now what? What do I choose? A college that could give me all the opportunities I had always dreamt I could have, or the place where I knew I could be happy and could still give me opportunities? 
I was still undecided when I heard back from San Diego. I got denied, and it was my fault. I didn't complete all the necessary steps for the application to be valid, and they denied me. I had a cumulative 4.0 and there was no way they could deny me! I was CRUSHED, HEART BROKEN, DISAPPOINTED AT MYSELF, LOST, CONFUSED. I never knew I wanted that so much, until I lost it. Funny, huh? I hear all the time how people don't fully appreciate others until they've lost them. Well, it had finally happened to me, but it just wasn't a person this time. It was that afternoon that I knew where I should go. I just wasn't sure I could do it (meaning: was I strong enough?).
I honestly started to doubt myself that I wasn't strong enough to go through a big change in my life again. I thought I wasn't strong enough to be able to do it on my own! In hindsight, I laugh how faithless in myself I was. "What do you mean you can't do it? Girl, you've been through hell and back. What do you mean you can't deal with a simple change of city? Get your shit together." 
That's what I should have said. But I didn't. Instead, I convinced myself I was better off staying here, in the safe zone, rather than being who I was - a brave, adventure-seeking person. Honestly, I am not one bit regretful of my decision - I know why I chose what I did - I chose love, once again, because I believed in it with every ounce of my body.

The decision was made. I was staying. Meanwhile, I had to get everything done for my stay here: I had to get another place because the house I lived was being sold. That was two months of hell. Find a roommate. Find a place. Check and check. Now all I needed was a cosignor so I could move into this great apartment. I spent about two months pretty much knocking on every one of my friend's door, crying out for help. I got nothing. I felt like I couldn't really rely on anybody; I felt alone - everytime I needed help, I was turned down. That has been a big lesson so far. I can count on one hand those I know that will be there through thick and thin. This experience made me feel appreciate them so much more. I eventually figured out the apartment issue and I was on track to getting all my stuff done to stay here. I was actually happy to be giving this a chance, and I couldn't wait for this new chapter in my life to begin.
Well, I was about to finalize my papers on Monday! I was about to go to see my parents for a summer; and he, the person who has been through all of this with me, was going with me - or so I thought.

It turns that that he left me once again. And he just didn't leave me. He left my parents who put their lives on hold for his visit, my friends who were anxious to meet him, my country awaited him! After sharing so many special moments together, going through the good and the bad, how can somebody just give up on you like that? I had never given myself so much to somebody like that. It's hard to wrap your heard around how one can just leave without "warning". I couldn't believe all those moments we shared were just gone... laughter, hugs, meals together, adventures, all the plans we had... it just didn't matter anymore. For two whole days, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. 

But I needed that.

The reason I am writing all of this here is ONE: so I don't forget this very important year of my life that has been a very decisive year and every decision I made and make during this year will shape how I face future struggles and accomplishments. Reason TWO is because the reason as to why he left me was that "he wasn't happy"...

Upon several sleepless nights and those words circling my head like vultures,
I realized something: HAPPINESS IS WITHIN US. A friend showed me an article that talked about how you can't blame the person you are with for your own unhappiness, and I quote: "He can't try to blame me for his pain. Unload his feelings of personal disgrace onto me. (...) The truth feels like the biggest sucker-punch of them all: It's not a spouse, or land, or a job, or money that brings us happiness. Those achievements, those relationships, can enhance our happiness, yes, but happiness has to start from within. Relying on any other equation can be lethal."

Yes, people have their issues. But who doesn't? People disagree. But who doesn't? Nobody is happy all the time. I still believe in the power of love - the power to bring two people together even though they were raised in different ways, went through different obstacles in life, have different likes and dislikes, act a certain way, etc. I especially believe in the power of God in our relationship - he's a teacher, a shepherd; he guides and show us how we should conduct our relationships. I believe He can renew ourselves and our relationships. I believe we can choose to be happy, to look at the blessings in our lives - or we can choose to look at the dark spots, the bruises, and let that dictate our lives.

After all I went through, I can say I have been happy through it all. I've been able to look at my darkest moments and find gratefulness. I can say I've had my bad days, my bad weeks... but ultimately, I am happy doing what I have been doing: fighting against every obstacle that comes my way. Being strong. I am happy and DAMN PROUD of myself for allowing me to cry sometimes. I am happy to make myself vulnerable and offer others the best I can be, despite my shortcomings. I am happy for giving others a second chance, for letting new people into my life to change me for the better. I am happy for putting myself out there, for never giving up on my dreams. Life is not easy, life is not always a bed of roses... but it is damn worth it. I can find happiness within myself. I can find closure knowing that I did the best I could. And that's all I can do. We can't control what life throws at us, but we can certainly control how we react to every single situation in our every day lives. 

I choose to be happy. That is all. I am happy and I will continue to be happy, regardless of what life has in store for me.