O dia do adeus

Estou de volta, ao meu cantinho - aquele que sempre me acolheu tão bem nos utlimos SETE anos... tudo que eu vivi, dos meus amores de adolescência à traições sofridas ou separações mal entendidas. Sempre escrevi aqui. E hoje venho, com o coração muito pesado, escrever de novo. Escrevo hoje porque quero que isso nunca mais aconteça. Escrevo hoje para que eu entenda e reflita nas minhas ações. Escrevo hoje para me entender, para desabafar, para organizar meus pensamentos.

Muita coisa se aconteceu nesse último ano desde a minha última postagem. Ano passado, eu machuquei uma das melhores pessoas que já entrou na minha vida. Por que? Só Deus sabe... de tantas vezes que eu fui vítima, eu sempre me prometi ser íntegra, fiel, companheira - mas isso não aconteceu... justamente com a pessoa que menos merecia. Por que? Eu mesma queria saber. Eu espero, de coração, que um dia eu possa me perdoar - eu sei a pessoa nunca entenderia; até porque eu na situação dele, não entenderia. Mas eu aprendi. Aprendi a tomar cuidado com meus sentimentos, como também com o dos outros. Aprendi que as vezes é preciso tomar uma decisão dificil hoje para ter um futuro melhor. E as vezes esse futuro melhor não é da pessoa que você imaginava. 

Aliás, falando em futuro melhor... sei que hoje estou bem e sei que sempre tudo vai estar bem. E espero o mesmo dele, e de todos que já passaram por minha vida. 

A vida me ensinou muito durante este último ano - a não julgar, a nunca dizer nunca, a TENTAR. É, tentar virou meu lema. Eu tenho tentado de tudo. Fico feliz pelas minhas tentativas falhas e as que se sucederam também. Fico grata por simplismente ter tentando, ter dado um tiro no escuro por uma pessoa que entrou em minha vida como um anjo da guarda e que continua hoje sendo meu guia. Fico grata porque eu simplismente tentei.

Hoje, fiz a decisão mais dificil da minha vida. Uma decisão que vai ficar comigo pro resto da vida.

Para você - qual seria lá seu nome - meu anjinho:

Me desculpa. Me desculpa por não poder estar contigo. Eu te amo sem mesmo te conhecer. Eu não sei se você me escolheu, ou se eu te escolhi. Eu na verdade não sei nada sobre isso. Só de pensar nisso minha garganta se fecha, meus olhos se enxem de lágrimas, e meu coração pesa - pesa porque eu tenho que tomar uma decisão por nós. Na verdade, eu não acho isso justo. Não é justo que isso tem que acontecer com você. Eu espero um dia poder te conhecer, conhecer sua energia. Eu sei que você seria perfeito aos meus olhos, aos olhos de Deus. Me desculpe por ter sido fraca. Eu espero que isso seja parte de um plano maior - que eu possa aprender com isso e que um dia eu possa ajudar à outras pessoas na minha situação. Eu estou com muito medo e eu espero que você sempre fique do meu lado. Eu prometo que sempre vou rezar por você. Eu sempre rezarei por nós. Eu prometo nunca deixar isso se tornar um ato em vão. Obrigada por existir e por me lembrar do que a vida deve  ser.

Eu espero que você seja feliz - seja lá aonde você achar a felicidade. Eu te amo.

---------------

Deus, me desculpa se estive ausente - eu te peço discernimento e coragem nesse momento. Por favor, não vá muito longe.

Meredith Andrews - Not for a moment

You were reaching through the storm 
Walking on the water 
Even when I could not see 
In the middle of it all 
When I thought You were a thousand miles away 
Not for a moment did You forsake me 
Not for a moment did You forsake me 

After all You are constant 
After all You are only good 
After all You are sovereign 
Not for a moment will You forsake me 
Not for a moment will You forsake me 

You were singing in the dark 
Whispering Your promise 
Even when I could not hear 
I was held in Your arms 
Carried for a thousand miles to show 
Not for a moment did You forsake me 

And every step every breath you are there 
Every tear every cry every prayer 
In my hurt at my worst 
When my world falls down 
Not for a moment will You forsake me 
Even in the dark 
Even when it's hard 
You will never leave me 
After all 
Not for a moment will You forsake me

Pensando bem...

Você sabe o que é pior do que não ter a quem amar? É amar alguém que não te ama. E sabe o que é ainda pior do que isso? É amar alguém, saber que essa pessoa te ama da mesma forma, mas ter a consciência que vocês não podem ficar juntos. Veja bem, qualquer um pode lutar contra o ciúme, contra as diferenças ou contra o orgulho, mas ainda não inventaram um antídoto contra a distância. Amor distante é ferida sempre aberta. Aquela consciência dilacerante de que você já encontrou a pessoa certa, mas que simplesmente vocês não podem ficar juntos. Pelo menos não agora. Não quando você deseja. Quando precisa. Talvez você não entenda o que eu digo. Talvez não saiba a sorte que tem, por ter se apaixonado pela menina da sua rua, por ter gostado daquele garoto da sua sala ou por sua alma gêmea ter nascido na mesma cidade que você. Já parou para pensar sobre isso? Qual seria a probabilidade do amor da sua vida aparecer justo na sua vida? Qual a chance de um dia vocês se esbarrarem por aí, se reconhecerem, se identificarem, se descobrirem? Se isso aconteceu contigo e essa pessoa mora aí por perto, então agradeça aos céus. Eu não tive essa sorte. Uma parte de mim mora muito longe daqui. O que nos restou foi aprender a conviver com a saudade e tentar transformar tudo isso em uma lembrança saudável. Claro que às vezes dá vontade de jogar tudo para o alto, correr para o aeroporto e comprar uma passagem só de ida. É quando me lembro que na vida real as coisas não funcionam bem assim. Quem sabe em uma próxima vida você more na casa ao lado ou talvez a gente se encontre na cantina do colégio. Quem sabe eu tire seu nome no amigo secreto da empresa ou a gente se esbarre passeando com os cachorros no parque. E aí eu vou poder te contar aquela piada e me apaixonar pelo seu sorriso novamente. Talvez te roube um beijo como da primeira vez sem precisar te dizer adeus depois. Seria incrível, mas sinceramente, eu não tenho do que reclamar. Por que sabe o que seria ainda pior do que amar sem ser amado ou amar alguém distante? Sem dúvidas seria não ter tido a chance de te amar. Eu tive, amei, amo, e sei que mesmo que a distância prevaleça, o seu lugar estará sempre guardado aqui dentro. Pensando assim, logo aquela mágoa vai embora e finalmente me dou conta de como é especial ter alguém como você na minha história. Deixo um pouco a ingratidão de lado e vejo que, na verdade, o destino foi muito generoso comigo. Mesmo tendo nascido com vidas tão distantes, tivemos a chance de nos encontrar. E por mais que tenham sido poucos momentos juntos e uma vida inteira de saudades, eu não seria tolo de reclamar da minha melhor lembrança.

Alguém...

Alguém vai gostar de você. Tenho certeza disso. Inclusive me arrisco a afirmar que nesse exato momento existe uma pessoa procurando desesperadamente por ti. Alguém que vai gostar do seu cabelo e do som da sua risada. Alguém que vai valorizar o que outros não enxergaram e te ajudar a superar os seus medos. Essa pessoa vai aparecer. Uma hora ou outra vocês vão se esbarrar por aí. Esse vazio no peito é passageiro. Você já teve que conviver com ele outras vezes. Esse medo de gostar, essa desconfiança dos sentimentos, essas marcas do passado, essa mania de achar que todo mundo é igual, que não vale a pena acreditar… Tudo isso vai passar. Tenha calma. Vai dar errado ainda algumas vezes antes de dar certo, mas no final vai valer a pena. Você só precisa ter a tranquilidade necessária para esperar essa hora chegar. Que tal fazer menos planos? Que tal tentar se divertir até lá? Sabe, olhando para você agora consigo te imaginar daqui a alguns anos. Vejo uma bela mulher distraída sentada na varanda olhando as crianças brincando com o cachorro no jardim. Aquele sorriso fácil de quem já viveu tudo que tinha pra viver. Aquela paz que só o tempo tem o poder de trazer. E quando uma brisa de saudade te visitar vai fechar os olhos e lembrar-se exatamente dos dias de hoje. Vai sorrir recordando suas trapalhadas, suas aventuras e de todas as curvas do caminho até ali. Vai sentir vontade de voltar no tempo. Vai querer viver tudo outra vez. E quando o lamento da nostalgia estiver por se aproximar, ele vai chegar do trabalho e te dar um longo abraço com um beijo na testa. Sim, ele! A pessoa que está por chegar. Não vai demorar mais tanto assim. Até lá, trate de cuidar dessas feridas, preencher esse vazio e acalmar o seu coração. Vai por mim, quanto menos você precisar de alguém, mais pronta estará para encontrá-lo. Funciona quase sempre assim: você passa a tarde inteira procurando a felicidade pelo quintal, quando deita no sofá para descansar um pouco ela te abraça de conchinha.

Los Hermanos - Ultimo Romance

Eu encontrei quando não quis

Mais procurar o meu amor

E quanto levou foi pr'eu merecer

Antes um mês e eu já não sei

E até quem me vê lendo o jornal

Na fila do pão, sabe que eu te encontrei

E ninguém dirá que é tarde demais

Que é tão diferente assim

Do nosso amor a gente é que sabe, pequena

Ah, vai

Me diz o que é o sufoco

Que eu te mostro alguém

A fim de te acompanhar

E se o caso for de ir à praia

Eu levo essa casa numa sacola

Eu encontrei e quis duvidar

Tanto clichê, deve não ser

Você me falou pr'eu não me preocupar

Ter fé e ver coragem no amor

E só de te ver, eu penso em trocar

A minha TV, num jeito de te levar

A qualquer lugar que você queira

E ir aonde o vento for

Que pra nós dois

Sair de casa já é se aventurar

Ah, vai

Me diz o que é o sossego

Que eu te mostro alguém

A fim de te acompanhar

E se o tempo for te levar

Eu sigo essa hora e pego carona

Pra te acompanhar

"Sei lá, tá tudo tão legal, e um legal batalhado, um legal merecido, de costas e pernas doendo, mas coração tranquilo..."

Momentos e momentos...

Há momentos na vida em que sentimos tanto

a falta de alguém que o que mais queremos

é tirar esta pessoa de nossos sonhos

e abraçá-la.

Sonhe com aquilo que você quiser.

Seja o que você quer ser,

porque você possui apenas uma vida

e nela só se tem uma chance

de fazer aquilo que se quer.

Tenha felicidade bastante para fazê-la doce.

Dificuldades para fazê-la forte.

Tristeza para fazê-la humana.

E esperança suficiente para fazê-la feliz.

As pessoas mais felizes

não têm as melhores coisas.

Elas sabem fazer o melhor

das oportunidades que aparecem

em seus caminhos.

A felicidade aparece para aqueles que choram.

Para aqueles que se machucam.

Para aqueles que buscam e tentam sempre.

E para aqueles que reconhecem

a importância das pessoas que passam por suas vidas.

O futuro mais brilhante

é baseado num passado intensamente vivido.

Você só terá sucesso na vida

quando perdoar os erros

e as decepções do passado.

A vida é curta, mas as emoções que podemos deixar

duram uma eternidade.

A vida não é de se brincar,

porque um belo dia se morre.

The irony...

“Sometimes the best and worst times of your life can coincide. It is a talent of the soul to discover the joy in pain—-thinking of moments you long for, and knowing you’ll never have them again. The beautiful ghosts of our past haunt us, and yet we still can’t decide if the pain they caused us out weighs the tender moments when they touched our soul. This is the irony of love.” 

~ Shannon L. Alder

It was then in one of those moments that you appeared. Or I did. Or maybe we just found each other... in the middle of our own tribulation and our own mess. But It was never planned, we didn't choose to be here. Our smiles just collided. It happened in the most spontaneous way. It was innocent, it was kind, it was true... it was what we never intended of creating. It was strong.

Domingo de manhã

Poderia estar agora no espaço em um módulo lunar

Ó que chato

E se eu tivesse agora velejando num barquinho no Caribe

Deus me livre

Poderia estar agora num hotel mil estrelas em Dubai

Mas eu, eu, eu

Prefiro estar aqui

Te perturbando, domingo de manhã

É que eu prefiro ouvir sua voz de sono

Domingo de manhã

Em paz...

Eu quis tanto ser a tua paz, quis tanto que você fosse o meu encontro. Quis tanto dar, tanto receber. Quis precisar, sem exigências. E sem solicitações, aceitar o que me era dado. Sem ir além, compreende? Não queria pedir mais do que você tinha, assim como eu não daria mais do que dispunha, por limitação humana. Mas o que tinha, era seu. Acho que fiz tudo do jeito melhor, meio torto, talvez, mas tentei da maneira mais bonita que sei. E assim eu vou, em paz, feliz, aliviada.

Escrito 30/06.

Smiles...

29th.

Let us always meet each other with smiles, for the smile is the beginning of love.

!!!!!!

"Fim de caso, fim de papo

fim de semana livre:

porque a vida só se vive uma vez

Eu não quero que a minha trilha sonora

seja um bolero rameiro

regado a dôr-de-cotovelo e embriaguez.

Eis aqui o momento de dar o fora.

e não haverá tempo, ou hora, pra voltar.

Este amor que fora tão sincero e tão febril

chega ao ponto final sem etcétera e sem refil.

por isso, aproveito o ensejo

e ao invés de um beijo te mando...

à puta que pariu!"

(Marcos Caiado)

29/06

45.

Sometimes we don't have the answers

Sometimes we don't have the right reasons

...We just have to move forward

And see what life has in store.

Felizes são aqueles que se perdoam pelos erros e aceitam como única alternativa, fazer melhor da próxima vez.

Happy

I refuse to let life be nothing but great
I refuse to let adversities get the best of me

I will stand up

I refuse to sink with the ship

Life is too damn short.


"Sunshine's here
You can take a break (...)
Can't nothing bring me down,
My level's too higih to bring me down
Because I'm happy"

Balcony talks

Sitting on a balcony, she wonders

She wonders where is this true love?

So many speak of, but few have the merit to speak about it?

Admiring that beautiful scenery of the back country

She ponders why is it so rare?

Where is it?

If we all seek it,

Why can't we all have it?

That passionate, endorphin filled love that rushes through our veins.

The one that awaits no sunrise,

Has no boundaries

The one that is madly reasonable

Or reasonably madly

True love, with passion

We all dream about it

But we can't always live it

I want spontaneous visits

Passionate kisses

True lovers,

They recognize each other's flawed essence

But they love them just as much as they love their virtues

I shall seek

Until I find

Or until it kills me.

Incondicionalidade do Amor

"Eu sempre achei que o amor,

Que o grande amor, fosse incondicional.

Que quando duas pessoas se encontram, quando esse grande encontro acontece, você pode trair, brochar, dar todas as porradas, se for um grande amor, ele voltará triunfal.

Sempre!

Mas não, nenhum amor é incondicional.

Então acreditar na incondicionalidade do amor, é decididamente precipitar o fim do amor, porque você acha que esse amor aguenta tudo, então de um jeito ou de outro, você acaba fazendo esse amor passar por tudo, e um amor não aguenta tudo, nada nessa vida é assim!

Daí você fala que esse amor não tem fim, para que o fim então comece.

Um grande amor não é possível,

E talvez por isso seja grande.

Então, assim, nele, obrigatoriamente, cabe e tem que caber também o impossível.

Mas quem acredita?

Quem acredita no impossível, se não apaixonadamente?

Como a um deus, incondicionalmente."

Michel Melamed

The true side

The course of love never did run smooth

...

We hear in every corner. We don't need to know someone intimately to know their "love" issues. It's almost as if it is engraved onto their foreheads: "I'm not loved", "He's not present", and so on. It doesn't take much to start realizing that every single couple, married or not, have gone or will go through a dark period in their love lives. When I was younger, I always thought love was beautiful, easy, and that true love would surpass any heartaches, any obstacles. I detested divorce. I thought it was a public display of weakness. How could one give up on love? Love reigns above all. Love is kind, love is patient, it never fails! 
Ha.

Little did I know that life would teach me some very important lessons in the most painful way - by living it. Little did I know that life would test me in every single "moral" I once stood for. 

I've experienced the beauty of love - love is indeed beautiful; an unique feeling worth of being the inspiration to the most talented poets. The purest feeling. Love makes us lighter, renewed. It makes us jump out of bed energized even though we spent countless nights awaken, day dreaming about our beloved. Love is, truly, what makes the world go around. 

On the very opposite scheme, we also have that feeling of disappointment when your once beloved breaks your heart. Every single dream of yours is shattered. The moments once shared only mean that they're part of the past now. Even worse is when you watch, from the first row, someone taking very small pieces of your heart and smashing them right in front of you - yet, you do nothing to stop them; they keep crushing every hope and dream of yours. Cruelty. Love is cruel. It comes rushing into your life without any warrant - it also leaves just as it arrived.

So now, is one weak by giving up on love? Well, the course of love never did run smooth... it teaches us who we truly love and who truly does love us too; this journey teaches us who's worth waiting; who will stick with you; who will fight for you. It's not an easy journey - you will take some hits, you will be down for a moment, but the truth comes out eventually - we'll eventually learn and surely find out who is the one who will be worth of it all.

Coragem

"Coragem, às vezes, é desapego.

É parar de se esticar, em vão, para trazer a linha de volta. É permitir que voe sem que nos leve junto. É aceitar que a esperança há muito se desprendeu do sonho. É aceitar doer inteiro até florir de novo. É abençoar o amor, aquele lá, que a gente não alcança mais."

Legião Urbana - Mais Uma Vez

Mas é claro que o sol vai voltar amanhã

mais uma vez, eu sei

Escuridão já vi pior, de endoidecer gente sã

Espera que o sol já vem

Tem gente que está do mesmo lado que você

mas deveria estar do lado de lá

Tem gente que machuca os outros

Tem gente que não sabe amar

Tem gente enganando a gente

Veja a nossa vida como está

mas eu sei que um dia a gente aprende

Se você quiser alguém em quem confiar

Confie em si mesmo

Quem acredita sempre alcança

Mas é claro que o sol vai voltar amanhã

mais uma vez, eu sei

Escuridão já vi pior, de endoidecer gente sã

Espera que o sol já vem

Nunca deixe que lhe digam que não vale a pena

Acreditar nos sonhos que se tem

Ou que seus planos nunca vão dar certo

Ou que você nunca vai ser alguém

Tem gente que machuca os outros

Tem gente que não sabe amar

Mas eu sei que um dia a gente aprende

Se você quiser alguém em quem confiar

Confie em si mesmo

Quem acredita sempre alcança...

Quem acredita sempre alcança...

Quem acredita sempre alcança...

Um dia a gente aprende... Aprende que amar dói, que nem sempre é um mar de rosas, nem sempre a gente ganha. Mas a melhor coisa é quando a gente aprende a se valorizar; quando a gente aprende que merecemos o melhor, e que vezes as pessoas não vão te dar o que você realmente merece. As vezes o melhor é um ir para cada lado e seguir suas vidas. As vezes, por mais que você tente e lute... o melhor é dizer adeus. Até porque, escuridão já vi pior.

Time...

"Be careful who you invest your time in. Nothing is worst than wasted time. It's the only thing you can't get back.

I've always thought I was that kind of girl who gave too much. I always thought of myself as that person who would forgive too quickly. I always thought of myself as softhearted. It always seems that I make time for those I love, when most of the time all I get back is crumbles. I am always the one waiting for someone. It feels like I am almost being put not just in second, but in last place. Maybe that issue comes from my myself; had I not forgiven quickly, had I not given people the time of the day, had I not been too kind to those who hurt me, it would be different. I see this issue frequently with parents - they try so hard to teach their children respect, love, appreciation, etc. They never listen. It's only when they're all grown and mature that they'd say "my mom was right". Typical.

"Listen carefully to me. Despite popular belief to the contrary, there is absolutely no power in intention...There is no difference in the person who intends to do things differently and the one who never thinks about it in the first place. Have you ever considered how often we judge ourselves by our intentions while we judge others by their actions? Yet intention without action is an insult to those who expect the best from you." ~ The Noticer

"You want to be part of my life, the door is always open. You want to leave my life, the door is open. But don't stand at the door, you're blocking the traffic"

Matthew West - Forgiveness

This song isn't new, but everytime I listen to it it'd remind me of people who went through horrible tragedies, i.e. the death of an innocent child by a drunk driver, families that were broken by an addiction, betrayal, murderers, etc... I would pray for these people who have been completely devastated by these horrific things - and at the same time, I'd thank God for giving me so many blessings because I can call myself a "white girl" as far as tragedies go in my life.

This song came up on the radio and all of the sudden, it had a whole new meaning to me... I had just gotten done with my last class so I went in my car and decided to lie down for a few minutes.
I lay down, closed my eyes, and I tried not to think about anything. Just have some "me" time - to relax, to let go of anything holding me back. 
Then, I opened my eyes, looked up at the sky and was astounded by the view. It was then that I had a "click" moment... seeing the sky from a different angle made me realize I was missing the whole point. We look at the sky every day and that can be such a ordinary thing, but how often do you lie down to appreciate it for a few minutes?

In the same way, we often try to look at things from the same angle, and maybe that's why we can't find answers to our problems, we keep repeating our mistakes, or we keep being hurt or hurting others.
Then this song came on, and that was the angle I needed to see. This song spoke to me from the very first few lines.

Forgiving others is important, but most of all... forgiving yourself is essential because it sets you free so you can live your life again. It doesn't mean you feel regretful, it just means that even though you had the best intentions in mind, sometimes you fall down. Sometimes things are above you and all you can do is try. We have to understand we go through dark moments once in a while and we can't blame ourselves for feeling discouraged, down, or sad. Sometimes we feel scared, lonely... but we can't feel sorry for ourselves. The key word here is "to be ok" with the not-so-hot moments and embrace it; it's about understanding that we are humans, full of sin, and we will not soar every day - but we sure try, because that's what makes us stronger.

During these times, perhaps all we need is a hand to walk us through all of the mess. But sometimes we need to be away, far; take a deep breath, and just appreciate the sky; enjoy the view.

It’s the hardest thing to give away

And the last thing on your mind today

It always goes to those that don’t deserve

It’s the opposite of how you feel

When the pain they caused is just too real

It takes everything you have just to say the word…

Forgiveness

Forgiveness

It flies in the face of all your pride

It moves away the mad inside

It’s always anger’s own worst enemy

Even when the jury and the judge

Say you gotta right to hold a grudge

It’s the whisper in your ear saying ‘Set It Free’

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable

Show me how to reach the unreachable

Help me now to do the impossible

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Help me now to do the impossible

Forgiveness

It’ll clear the bitterness away

It can even set a prisoner free

There is no end to what its power can do

So, let it go and be amazed

By what you see through eyes of grace

The prisoner that it really frees is you

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable

Show me how to reach the unreachable

Help me now to do the impossible

Forgiveness

I want to finally set it free

So show me how to see what Your mercy sees

Help me now to give what You gave to me

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Footnote: this one is a reminder for myself. 

Embrace the dark times, they will shape who you are. Be the best you can be during these moments, don't feel sorry or mad if you are not where you want to be - keep fighting and you'll get there. Never give up on yourself. Be strong. Be kind to the special ones in your life. Be kind to those who choose to leave too. Never lose hope. And most importantly: NEVER let go of your best asset - your heart.

?

Não pense que sou inocente

Não pense que sou tão fácil assim

Eu apenas lhe perdoei

O resto do caminho é seu para traçar

O que você quer?

Escolha!

A felicidade às vezes requer lágrimas e esforço
Nem sempre é um mar de rosas

O sucesso nunca vem fácil

Apenas esteja pronto para lutar

Abra seu peito e absorva tudo - seus erros e acertos

A estrada é longa...

Você está disposto?

Veremos.

Happiness is within us.

I've written a lot of times about happiness. I've always tried to keep the mindset that we can set our own happiness.
So many times this year already I've had things hit me so hard and knock me down... but I always keep in my mind that "this too shall pass" - and those unfortunate situations won't make me unhappy.

Within the last 12 months, I got into the biggest fight I have ever had with my brother; I called him things I never meant to - listening to the words that came out of my mouth broke my own heart... I had become somebody I wasn't: revengeful. I later on apologized to him in a letter, and I do hope one day he can forgive me. During that same time, the person who I thought would be there for me through this, decided to leave. I was heart broken twice! My heart had become so numb that I couldn't even cry. I was leaving the house at 5 in the morning and coming back home at 11 pm. Brutal. I was working endless hours, which later on I found out that all those hours of hard work weren't going to be paid. I quit my job. I felt like I wasn't appreciated and that my hard work, all those hours I put my heart and soul into it, had gone to waste!
Somehow, through all this mess, I met a wonderful person who put my life into perspective - he made me realize that I am not a horrible person, I was just hurt. He made me discover how strong I was and how much I was capable of. He pushed me emotionally, mentally, and physically. That person grabbed my hand and took me out of the hole I dug myself into. I don't think I will ever be able to repay for that short amount of time that he was able to help me.
Then, I had the person that had left me for two months, come back to me and say that he made the biggest mistake of his life. That shook my world. At that time, I was fine - I had realized how strong I could be, how much I had accomplished and that I could actually stand on my own feet again. His words to me meant so much - but I wasn't sure if I was ready to give this person, who had hurt me so much, a second chance? Well, I've always been one that chooses love over most  things, so I took the chance. At that time, I had a chance to crush his heart, like he did to me, and to soar high and feel no pitty for him. But I didn't. Instead, I took the chance to being hurt again, to open my heart so our love could be reborn. That's what I did, and that's what happened. Our love was reborn. We were closer than we had ever been. Our relationship had more trouble than before, yes, but we were working through them because we knew how much we loved each other, and that would rise above any issues - or so I thought.
For awhile, I struggled with trust. I didn't trust him he would communicate with him, I was scared of him leaving me. Feeling like that for a few months took some years out of my life but I pushed myself hard enough to bring down the wall I had carefully built. I, however, eventually did destroy that wall of doubt and fear.
The new year came and it was time to start thinking about what university I would transfer. I've had my eyes on San Diego, but now I had this wonderful man beside me that was brave and humble enough to come back and apologize for his mistakes. I had a man who would make me smile through any obstacles I faced; I had a man who would hold me tight at night, who would kiss me good night. How could I leave this man like this? He and I were what I've always wanted to have in a relationship - a person who understood my shortcomings and appreciated my virtues. I felt so blessed and loved.
This whole puzzle consumed me for months. One day I thought I wanted to go, the other I thought I wanted to stay. 
It was then that I had a plan... I wanted to stay, buy a house, and give love a shot [again].
Well, my plans didn't really go as planned. I found out that having my own home and ridding myself from landlords wouldn't be an option in the near future. That CRUSHED me. I know I dream big, but somehow I thought it could work. Well, I overcame that pretty quickly and decided to just be glad where I was - happy, with the man I love, and doing what I had dreamt since 14 - going to college abroad.
The contemplation only got worse though: now I wouldn't have what I had planned here... San Diego just seemed like such a much better option for a while - better school, better weather, more opportunity. Only one problem - no emotional support, greater financial stress, far away. Now what? What do I choose? A college that could give me all the opportunities I had always dreamt I could have, or the place where I knew I could be happy and could still give me opportunities? 
I was still undecided when I heard back from San Diego. I got denied, and it was my fault. I didn't complete all the necessary steps for the application to be valid, and they denied me. I had a cumulative 4.0 and there was no way they could deny me! I was CRUSHED, HEART BROKEN, DISAPPOINTED AT MYSELF, LOST, CONFUSED. I never knew I wanted that so much, until I lost it. Funny, huh? I hear all the time how people don't fully appreciate others until they've lost them. Well, it had finally happened to me, but it just wasn't a person this time. It was that afternoon that I knew where I should go. I just wasn't sure I could do it (meaning: was I strong enough?).
I honestly started to doubt myself that I wasn't strong enough to go through a big change in my life again. I thought I wasn't strong enough to be able to do it on my own! In hindsight, I laugh how faithless in myself I was. "What do you mean you can't do it? Girl, you've been through hell and back. What do you mean you can't deal with a simple change of city? Get your shit together." 
That's what I should have said. But I didn't. Instead, I convinced myself I was better off staying here, in the safe zone, rather than being who I was - a brave, adventure-seeking person. Honestly, I am not one bit regretful of my decision - I know why I chose what I did - I chose love, once again, because I believed in it with every ounce of my body.

The decision was made. I was staying. Meanwhile, I had to get everything done for my stay here: I had to get another place because the house I lived was being sold. That was two months of hell. Find a roommate. Find a place. Check and check. Now all I needed was a cosignor so I could move into this great apartment. I spent about two months pretty much knocking on every one of my friend's door, crying out for help. I got nothing. I felt like I couldn't really rely on anybody; I felt alone - everytime I needed help, I was turned down. That has been a big lesson so far. I can count on one hand those I know that will be there through thick and thin. This experience made me feel appreciate them so much more. I eventually figured out the apartment issue and I was on track to getting all my stuff done to stay here. I was actually happy to be giving this a chance, and I couldn't wait for this new chapter in my life to begin.
Well, I was about to finalize my papers on Monday! I was about to go to see my parents for a summer; and he, the person who has been through all of this with me, was going with me - or so I thought.

It turns that that he left me once again. And he just didn't leave me. He left my parents who put their lives on hold for his visit, my friends who were anxious to meet him, my country awaited him! After sharing so many special moments together, going through the good and the bad, how can somebody just give up on you like that? I had never given myself so much to somebody like that. It's hard to wrap your heard around how one can just leave without "warning". I couldn't believe all those moments we shared were just gone... laughter, hugs, meals together, adventures, all the plans we had... it just didn't matter anymore. For two whole days, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. 

But I needed that.

The reason I am writing all of this here is ONE: so I don't forget this very important year of my life that has been a very decisive year and every decision I made and make during this year will shape how I face future struggles and accomplishments. Reason TWO is because the reason as to why he left me was that "he wasn't happy"...

Upon several sleepless nights and those words circling my head like vultures,
I realized something: HAPPINESS IS WITHIN US. A friend showed me an article that talked about how you can't blame the person you are with for your own unhappiness, and I quote: "He can't try to blame me for his pain. Unload his feelings of personal disgrace onto me. (...) The truth feels like the biggest sucker-punch of them all: It's not a spouse, or land, or a job, or money that brings us happiness. Those achievements, those relationships, can enhance our happiness, yes, but happiness has to start from within. Relying on any other equation can be lethal."

Yes, people have their issues. But who doesn't? People disagree. But who doesn't? Nobody is happy all the time. I still believe in the power of love - the power to bring two people together even though they were raised in different ways, went through different obstacles in life, have different likes and dislikes, act a certain way, etc. I especially believe in the power of God in our relationship - he's a teacher, a shepherd; he guides and show us how we should conduct our relationships. I believe He can renew ourselves and our relationships. I believe we can choose to be happy, to look at the blessings in our lives - or we can choose to look at the dark spots, the bruises, and let that dictate our lives.

After all I went through, I can say I have been happy through it all. I've been able to look at my darkest moments and find gratefulness. I can say I've had my bad days, my bad weeks... but ultimately, I am happy doing what I have been doing: fighting against every obstacle that comes my way. Being strong. I am happy and DAMN PROUD of myself for allowing me to cry sometimes. I am happy to make myself vulnerable and offer others the best I can be, despite my shortcomings. I am happy for giving others a second chance, for letting new people into my life to change me for the better. I am happy for putting myself out there, for never giving up on my dreams. Life is not easy, life is not always a bed of roses... but it is damn worth it. I can find happiness within myself. I can find closure knowing that I did the best I could. And that's all I can do. We can't control what life throws at us, but we can certainly control how we react to every single situation in our every day lives. 

I choose to be happy. That is all. I am happy and I will continue to be happy, regardless of what life has in store for me.

Just another breakup

Well, and so it happens again. I find myself not understanding this situation - like always; but this isn't news to me, it's just life... one day you're standing and have where to lean on, the other day you're limping with nothing to hold on. However, it's in times like these that I can be my strongest, chin up, and be proud of who I truly I am: a damn tough mother fucker. I've dealt with some pretty hard shit, and you know what? This isn't anything close to what life has thrown at me before at a much younger age. 

"Remember, my child, anyone can love you when the sun is shining. In the storms is where you learn who truly cares for you." 

There goes another one...

Just another heartbreak

Just another heartache
Another bad lie, another goodbye looking for another
Heart to break

I felt it coming

The beginning of our end

It's replaying on my mind

And I guess I just can't comprehend

It's just another break up

It's for the better

That's all it matters

All the expectations and hope
They're all gone

That's what hurts the most

I'm not sad
I'm just done

Tired of doing this on my own

Tired of having to move on

Just another broken heart

Just another fresh start

P.S. don't give a second chance to someone who won't do the same;

don't give all your heart to someone who doesn't appreciate it;

don't try hard to fix things when nobody else is trying;
do not care too much when someone else only cares about themselves;
don't put someone as a priority, when they don't put you as one;

don't commit fully to those who never wanted to commit.

and remember - smile through the darkness,

the stars are beautiful too.

"Keep your head up, God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers"

Pelo que você é grato?

Rick Warren, em resposta à pergunta da revista TIME, em entrevista no ano passado:

"Pelo que você é grato?"

"Este ano se tornou o pior ano da minha vida quando meu filho caçula, que desde a infância lutou contra uma doença mental, tomou sua própria vida. Como que devo ser grato por isso? Deus não espera que eu seja grato POR todas as circunstâncias, mas EM todas as circunstâncias. Há uma grande diferença. A primeira atitude é masoquismo. A segunda mostra maturidade. Não devemos ser gratos pelo mal ou pelo pecado, ou pelo sofrimento inocente causado por essas coisas. Mas mesmo na dor e no luto, ainda há coisas boas pelas quais posso ser grato. Sou grato porque Deus vê tudo pelo qual passo. Ele se importa comigo. Ele chora comigo. Sou grato porque, mesmo sem ter todas as respostas, Deus as tem. Sou grato porque Deus pode tirar bem do mal na minha vida, quando entrego a Ele as peças. É a especialidade dele. Deus ama transformar crucificações em ressurreições, e então beneficiar todo o mundo. Deus nunca desperdiça a dor, se nós a entregarmos a Ele."

"Mantenha seus pensamentos positivos, porque seus pensamentos tornam-se suas palavras. Mantenha suas palavras positivas, porque suas palavras tornam-se suas atitudes. Mantenha suas atitudes positivas, porque suas atitudes tornam-se seus hábitos. Mantenha seus hábitos positivos, porque seus hábitos tornam-se seus valores. Mantenha seus valores positivos, porque seus valores... Tornam-se seu destino." ~ Gandhi

Me against the world

I've been learning, slowly and painfully, not to rely on most people. 

Reaching out to help or showing support doesn't have to involve physical things or physical presence; words of encouragement is the biggest support one could have in the midst of any trouble; knowing somebody is there to listen, to understand you, to comfort you, and to care for when you're down... THAT is be biggest gift one could give to someone.

 I haven't seen much of that... I think life is trying to tell me something here... It's me against the world.

Sometimes you just have to expect more in order to break away and be independent.

"Neither should a ship rely on one small anchor, nor should life rest on a single hope"

Self-analysis

I'd like to say that I am an independent woman. I'd like to believe that I am strong and capable of rising through any darkness. I'd like to brag that regardless of any negativity around me, I will strive. I'd like to say that regardless of people's rudeness, coldness, and insensitivity, I am still who I am. But, it's not always like that... I can't always win, I can't always end up intact at the end of a battle. Lately, in special, I feel emotionally wea -. I feel like I weigh as little as a paper and anything brings me down... Words, gestures, or the lack thereof - it has reflected tremendously in my life more than I'd like to confess. I remember a few years back when none of that mattered or affected me... What happened? I am not sure which one is worse or better. To care or not to care. I feel honored that yes, I do have emotions and I show them. But then at the same time I wonder if what I am receiving is the product of what I am sending? I don't want to be negative, I don't want to be cocky, rude, or act as if I am above all. I want to be humble, to feel touched by the simple things... I don't want to feel motivated by luxury and money. I want to be a more simple me. Sometimes I feel like the world has worn me out a little... and I am becoming a different person... sometimes I feel that is for the better... it's good to change right... but maybe that isn't the best of changes...
I guess the reason why this topic started is because I feel alone at times and everyone has gone away. Maybe I shouldn't care too much about what the world sends my way, rather I should care about what I am sending to the world.
This is a reminder for me to be kind even when I feel someone doesn't deserve it. To be LOVING, even when someone has shown me hatred. To be HUMBLE, even when the world tells me that what holds value are things, and not our character... This is a reminder to always be SELF-GIVING, even when I feel like I should think of myself sometimes. This is a reminder to never JUDGE others, even when everybody is pointing fingers.This is a reminder for me to TRUST, even though the world has doubted me. This is reminder for to be GO AGAINST THE CURRENT, even thought it's much easier to follow the crowd.

A letter

Farewell Letter

If God, for a second, forgot what I have become and granted me a little bit more of life, I would use it to the best of my ability.

I wouldn’t, possibly, say everything that is in my mind, but I would be more thoughtful l of all I say.

I would give merit to things not for what they are worth, but for what they mean to express.

I would sleep little, I would dream more, because I know that for every minute that we close our eyes, we waste 60 seconds of light.

I would walk while others stop; I would awake while others sleep.

If God would give me a little bit more of life, I would dress in a simple manner, I would place myself in front of the sun, leaving not only my body, but my soul naked at its mercy.

To all men, I would say how mistaken they are when they think that they stop falling in love when they grow old, without knowing that they grow old when they stop falling in love.

I would give wings to children, but I would leave it to them to learn how to fly by themselves.

To old people I would say that death doesn’t arrive when they grow old, but with forgetfulness.

I have learned so much with you all, I have learned that everybody wants to live on top of the mountain, without knowing that true happiness is obtained in the journey taken & the form used to reach the top of the hill.

I have learned that when a newborn baby holds, with its little hand, his father’s finger, it has trapped him for the rest of his life.

I have learned that a man has the right and obligation to look down at another man, only when that man needs help to get up from the ground.

Say always what you feel, not what you think. If I knew that today is the last time that that I am going to see you asleep, I would hug you with all my strength and I would pray to the Lord to let me be the guardian angel of your soul.

If I knew that these are the last moments to see you, I would say “I love you.”

There is always tomorrow, and life gives us another opportunity to do things right, but in case I am wrong, and today is all that is left to me, I would love to tell you how much I love you & that I will never forget you.

Tomorrow is never guaranteed to anyone, young or old. Today could be the last time to see your loved ones, which is why you mustn’t wait; do it today, in case tomorrow never arrives. I am sure you will be sorry you wasted the opportunity today to give a smile, a hug, a kiss, and that you were too busy to grant them their last wish.

Keep your loved ones near you; tell them in their ears and to their faces how much you need them and love them. Love them and treat them well; take your time to tell them “I am sorry,” “forgive me, “please,” “thank you,” and all those loving words you know.

Nobody will know you for your secret thought. Ask the Lord for wisdom and strength to express them.

Show your friends and loved ones how important they are to you.

Send this letter to those you love. If you don’t do it today…tomorrow will be like yesterday, and if you never do it, it doesn’t matter either, the moment to do it is now.

For you, with much love,

Your Friend,
Gabriel Garcia Marquez

What life has taught me so far.

“Life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes. Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such”

― Henry Miller

If there is one thing in life I have learned as a young adult is that life moves on. You're not going be sad forever, nor are you going to be happy forever. Struggles come and go, happy moments come and go. Life truly is a roller-coaster (or a bike ride, actually). For me to be able to enjoy the downhill, I have to suffer and struggle to go up the hill. It hurts, it's painful, you want to give up. But you don't, you keep going because you'll get the view from the top of the mountain. You'll be able to take a deep breath and smile and feel accomplished because you're at the top, and you get to enjoy the ride down. Life sometimes may seem slow, but you can't spring uphill - you have to put yourself in a lower gear and pedal hard. Sometimes you have to be humble and realize that right now you might not be doing that great in some aspects in life, but you have to start slow today to be fast tomorrow. 

When I am feeling discouraged, I often look back in my life and remember where I was in life. I was much more insecure, really didn't have a direction to go in life, and didn't have a lot figured out. Even though currently I don't have everything in place, I know what I want and how to get there. Half of battle is fought.

Another thing that I have realized in the past 6 months is that my outlook on life affects how I live my life and how I deal with the dark times. If I am constantly discouraged and thinking negative things, I will keep finding myself defeated and beaten. If I have confidence in me and know that I can do this, I will. Someone yesterday told me "I don't know how you can always be so energetic". Hey, guess what. Most of the times I feel exhausted, but I tell my body to keep going, and I smile. I am not going to be dwelling on the little things in life that tire me or bring me down.

It takes courage to become what you really are and what you're destined to be. I choose to live a life I am proud of, I choose to be me and face all the fears and bumps on the road. It's much easier to be me, instead of daydreaming about being some perfected version of a person that doesn't exist. The past and the struggles are building me up to be the strongest I can be, and I am thankful for that.