The dream

Last night I had a dream that I was talking to a psychologist. During my appointment, I talked to her about my fears and concerns, especially the one regarding change. I explained her how I eagerly seek adventures, but at the same time I am scared of my own adventures leading me to loneliness. The psychologist began to explain that how her cat would always look outside the window at her house and seemed to want to play, but every time she would open the door for him, he wouldn't go. He was scared. She, then, decided to force her cat to go outside, and she even put a mouse outside so he could maybe try to chase the mouse and have fun with it. After he would caught the mouse, he would have nothing else to do, but that would just mean he would have to open his horizons again and go explore and maybe find a tree to climb. After my psychologist explained this to me, she said our session was over, but I was making progress and she would like to see me again. She also added that "It took me awhile to understand what my cat needed, but I think you're like my cat, You just need to go outside". I then smiled at her and left the room, feeling very hopeful. After my appointment, I went to the beach to sail and to think about what she had told me. It was then that I woke up.

The whole idea behind this dream is too ironic. Me, Cecilia, talking to a psychologist (who is my subconscious). A conversation between Me and Myself. You know those times you wish you could talk to your older self? It was a very similar feeling. When I woke up, I had to just lie in bed for awhile, thinking about this whole thing. The more I think about it, the more I have questions and the more I want to have another appointment. 

The ultimate destination.

I think a lot about home. The idea of home. What is home to me right now? When I spend a long amount of time without going back to Brazil, I miss it a lot and want to go back there. But then, when I am there, I realize I don't fit in necessarily.
Have I found home? What is Home? Is home a different idea to each person? My quest in life is to find my ultimate destination. Not necessarily to make a lot of money or be extremely successful. Just to find home, be home. I know the rest will come to me once I find home.
I will know once I find home. Is home with my PARENTS? When will I go back to them? I want to be near my parents so bad, and know that one day I will be, because they will need me. But, should I pursue my dream first?
Should I find home in love? They say if you follow your dreams, love will always follow you. Is this so? Because it surely doesn't feel like that to me. It seems like it's either one or the other. Love can be your dreams, and dreams can be your love. And both can be home. These two for me are in opposite directions.
I hit a little limbo stage, just waiting for things to change. Then I will find home. I hope this next year will bring some answers that have been clogging up my mind for the past 3 years and a half. I want to be home, so badly. Wherever that is. I just need to find it. And settle in. "Go or leave". "Come or stay". Is there a choice? I don't think I have much saying in this. The answer will unfold itself out sooner rather than later, I hope.

Coldplay - trouble

Oh, no, I see

The spider web is tangled up with me

And I lost my head

The thought of all the stupid things I'd said

Oh, no, what's this?

The spider web, and I'm caught in the middle

So I turn to run

And thought of all the stupid things I'd done

And I never meant to cause you trouble

I never meant to do you wrong

And, ah, well, if I ever caused you trouble

Oh, no I never meant to do you harm

Oh, no, I see

The spider web, and it's me in the middle

So I twist and turn

But here am I in my little bubble

Singing out

I never meant to cause you trouble

I never meant to do you wrong

And ah, well if I ever caused you trouble

Oh, no, I never meant to do you harm

They spun a web for me

They spun a web for me

They spun a web for me

I love how songs speak to me. Lately, this has been my source of inspiration to reflect on life.

This song came up on pandora today while I was doing several tasks on my computer.  It caught my attention when the singer kept repeating "I never meant to cause you trouble"... Hmmm. This seems to be a recurring issue in my life. I seem to say things and act  a certain way without meaning it. I say or do things that hurt others, but I don't mean it.
I also seem to find myself in a "spider web". Stuck. I am stuck, or should I say conflicted? I feel tangled in between two different outcomes I can take in my life. I think about it almost every day. I wonder what should I do? I ask around, but it doesn't seem like there is one right answer? I am confused, I am stuck in a spider web. Sometimes I feel like I am sure of what to do, but then my decision takes a 180º spin. 

Passenger - let her go

Well, you only need the light when it’s burning low

Only miss the sun when it’s starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low

Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home

Only know you love her when you’ve let her go

And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass

Hoping one day you'll make a dream last

'Cuz dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes

Maybe one day you'll understand why

Everything you touch surely, it dies

But you only need the light when it’s burning low

Only miss the sun, when it’s starts to snow

Only know you love her when you’ve let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low

Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home

Only know you love her when you’ve let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark

Same ol’ empty feeling in your heart

'Cuz love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep

But to never to touch and never to keep

'Cuz you loved her to much

And you dive too deep

Well, you only need the light when it’s burning low

Only miss the sun, when it’s starts to snow

Only know you love her when you’ve let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low

Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home

Only know you love her when you’ve let her go

And you let her go

Ooooo ooooo oooooo

And you let her go

Ooooooo ooooo ooooo

Well you let her go

'Cuz you only need the light when it’s burning low

Only miss the sun, when it’s starts to snow

Only know you love her when you’ve let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low

Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home

Only know you love her when you've let her go

'Cuz you only need the light when it’s burning low

Only miss the sun, when it’s starts to snow

Only know you love her when you’ve let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low

Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home

Only know you love her when you’ve let her go

And you let her go

Wow. This song. It's amazing. I get chills every time I hear this song. I can relate to this song in a few different ways, and I just love it how it speaks to me. First off, when I first came to the US, I really didn't care of what I was "letting go of" in Brazil, which were my parents, my home, my family, my comfort zone. I just simply let go of everything very easily. But then, it only took my first tribulation for me to miss my family, to understand the actual value that they had in my heart. I am not saying I didn't love my parents, but I surely didn't appreciate them the way I should have. This is truly something I regret, but I am glad I have realized how much they mean to me before it was too late. 

Secondly, when it says "everything you touch, it surely dies"... I feel that this has been the truth for my life. I will always have this thought in the back of my head... that I can't keep my dreams alive, I can't keep love alive, I can't keep people around for long. Well, I mean, besides a few long term friendships here and there, my life has proven me that this is true. I don't know if it's me or something I do, or that I have high expectations, but I feel like people eventually get bored of the same old, and when I can't give anything new, they leave. Work, friendships, relationships. I don't like having this mindset, but it always creeps up in the back of my head every now and then. And this sentiment kind of ties with my last post, that I give too much. "I love too much and I dive too deep" ... Maybe the reason that I feel this way is because I don't feel needed at times, and I feel replacable. I know I shouldn't need that feeling from people, but I do. I pray that I can become less dependent on people and more dependent on God, because He is the one who loves me the most.

Unconditionally - Katy Perry

Oh, no, did I get too close?

Oh, did I almost see

What’s really on the inside?

All your insecurities

All the dirty laundry

Never made me blink one time

Unconditional, unconditionally

I will love you unconditionally

There is no fear now

Let go and just be free

I will love you unconditionally

Come just as you are to me

Don’t need apologies

Know that you are worthy

I'll take your bad days with your good

Walk through this storm, I would

I’d do it all because I love you, I love you

Unconditional, unconditionally

I will love you unconditionally

There is no fear now

Let go and just be free

I will love you unconditionally

So open up your heart, and just let it begin

Open up your heart, and just let it begin

Open up your heart, and just let it begin

Open up your heart

Acceptance is the key to be

To be truly free

Will you do the same for me?

Unconditional, unconditionally

I will love you unconditionally

And there is no fear now

Let go and just be free

‘Cause I will love you unconditionally (oh, yeah)

I will love you

I will love you

I will love you

Unconditionally

I loved this song since the first time I ever heard it. It touched me so deeply in so many different ways. Everytime I hear, I feel something different. This may sound silly because Katy Perry is a pop artist, and most of the pop culture music are very shallow material and have no deeper meaning. But this song made me think of so many things when I first heard it. This song actually reminds me of the love of God for us. He loves us unconditionally. He loves us even with our insecurities, our shortcomings, our sins, and bad behavior. All we need to do is accept Him. To open our hearts. This is a fairly easy concept to understand in theory, but it is a lot easier said than done.Why can't we accept unconditional love? Why don't we want this ever lasting love? Why are we always trying to find a escape? I also have a hard time understanding that God loves me unconditionally and that no matter what I do, where I am, he loves me the same. Just because my walk with Christ might be a little shaken, He still loves me. I just can't stop being amazed at that. If someone starts to ignore you, and not care about how much you love them, you would eventually get tired of such treatment and just walk away if nothing would change. But God doesn't do that. We have so many flaws. But he still loves us. Wow. This is amazing. This also happens on a personal level in relationhips. At least in my case, I have a hard time understanding someone loves me just the way I am. I know nobody will ever be able to love me uncontionally the way God does, but I still have a hard time just grasping the fact that someone loves me. I always think they will find something or someone better and eventually leave. Sometimes I like to have this mindset, because it keeps me from greater suffering. At least this year, it has spared me fro msomething that I think could have turned out to be something a lot bigger and more painful. I was able to cope and put in my head that people eventually will just leave and I am on my own, and the only people I have are my parents.

Another thing about this music is that although I think nobody on Earth will ever love us the way God does, I feel like I do a lot of things out of passion and love and I end up loving "too much" (as many have told me). I think when I love, I can't love half way, I can't care half way. I just do it 100%. I love with all my heart. And, sometimes I feel like I walk this road alone. I feel scared of how much I put myself out there, I don't care how much I might be hurt, but I would rather to be hurt than be regretful of not giving my all. 

I pray that I can still find love in everything I do. Because if there is no love, there is no purpose. I pray that I can understand and accept God's love for me. I pray that I can walk safely in any path, even if felt alone, because I know I have God's love.

Pride hurts

In everyone's life, there are always a few events or moments that we just cannot forget. These moments may be unforgettable due to pain, happiness, or pivotal events.
Although happy moments will always bring us smiles, it is the pain and sadness that seem to linger longer in our memory. We seem to always neglect or understimate our happy phases, and just say "I was happy", and move on. When it comes to the sad moments, we always seem to wonder and create several possibilities as to why things ended up the way they did, and what did we do wrong. And keep blaming ourselves for everything.
I seem, every now and then, to remember that boy who made me feel worthless. That moment that I regret so much when I said things I really didn't mean to my brother, that moment when I was mean to my mom and dad. Those moments. They hurt a lot - especially the ones that I know I was the cause of pain. And they hurt even more because I am far away. Being away doesn't get easier with time, as I thought it would. It just gets worse. It gets worse because I don't know when (or if ever) I am going to be with them again. It hurts. What can I do?
I guess the answer to that is to just learn with my mistakes. But it seems like I can't do that very well. That night when my dad got home from a long trip and he brought me a new pair of PJs. I stood on top of the stairs looking down on my dad, REJECTING HIS GIFT. I can't even think about this moment without my eyes watering. I don't even know if my dad even remembers this, but I do. I was probably six or seven years old, but I remember that day like it was yesterday. I remember how those PJs looked like. Eventually, after much begging from my father, I accepted his gift, with an ungrateful, angry expression. Eventually, I started wearing those PJs every day - until there was big holes on them and I couldn't possibly wear it anymore. Why was I so angry? Because he hadn't been home? Well, he was now. Why didn't I enjoy his presence instead of holding grudges? I don't know. But I seem to STILL do the fucking same thing today. When somebody hurts me, even if they have turned around and done something nice to me, I JUST SEEM TO HOLD TO ANYTHING THAT HURTS. Why do I do that? I guess this is just a rant, as I want to change whatever force within me obliges me to hold on to those moments. Pride? Or just plain stupid?
God, please help me let go of those things - they don't do any good. I hope I can become a better person, and I need You to guide me and help me discern what to do so I can let go of my pride.