Goodbye

Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation. 

~ Rumi

Sometimes, I think about the feeling I had when I hugged my mom and dad for the last time before boarding to go for my exchange program. So many emotions where tied to that hug. Fear. Excitement. Confusion. All of these feelings revolved around the unknown. I had no idea what was before me. As I hugged my parents, I also felt a little regret, as I was putting my parents through suffering for something completely "selfish" - my eagerness to explore. My heart felt heavy as I saw my mom's eyes starting to water. I couldn't even cry. I think my body was filled with so much adrenaline that my body entered into a "shock" state. I didn't know if I felt truly happy or truly scared. It all felt the same. Or everything felt like nothing. I was numb. I also remember the reoccurring thought of "you chose this" going through my head a lot, so many times when I felt sadness or loneliness I'd always remind me that I chose this, and I had to be strong; this is what I wanted, and It was worth it. 

During the almost 24 hrs trip, I had a lot of time to think. So I began to reenact the happy moments of my life, as well as the sad ones. All the events that had led me to that moment. All the years I had dreamed and spent several nights awake imagining what it'd all be like, creating adventures in my head, praying every single night for God to grant me my dream. I'd remember the people who helped me to get to that point. I'd remember the people who discouraged me. I'd remember the people who doubted me. I remembered every single event that led to my dream to come true.

The thing is, our dreams and reality are quite paradoxical. Nothing is really like the movies; nothing is really like our dreams. We aren't smiling all the time. Life isn't a breeze - we have thunderstorms, and rain, and blizzards. We all have our own battles to fight. The one I still struggle nowadays is loneliness. More often that I'd like to admit, I feel like I don't really belong. Aside from a few people who make me feel like I'm part of their family, I feel alone. 

Several times when I feel nostalgic/lonely I find a quiet, relaxing spot, close my eyes, and relive happy moments. It's the same thing I'd do when my dad was not home at night. I'd get one of his shirts, and I'd sleep with it right next to me, so I could smell his shirt; his smell would make me calm, it'd bring such comfort to my soul that I couldn't even try to explain the feeling accurately. Like my dad's shirt, these moments bring such happiness to my soul to think about them and to feel the same way I felt on such events. It's like my own travel machine. 

Ever since, I have a very distinct view on goodbyes. If I ever feel like I've lost a friend (or we aren't in touch as often...), or if I don't see my family and friends in Brazil as often... it doesn't make me sad (or should I say, as sad as it used to make me). I just begin to revive the moments we had together and reflect - those were good days... If a love or a friendship is meant to last long, it will last - no matter how great the physical distance is, no matter how long we haven't spoken to each other. That person is in my heart, forever. I keep them in my heart. The remembrance will never leave me. They won't leave me because I'll always remember how much they mean to me, how happy they've made me feel, how much they've helped me. I try not to take any moment for granted. Life is too special, people are too precious to not appreciate them. Even if the future may take you in divergent roads - take the memories in your heart. Nobody can steal those from you.

I am thankful for the past, present, and future people that choose to pass my way. I am equally thankful for those who choose to stay. We all leave a mark on people's lives. I am thankful for each and every one who chose to put a mark on my heart -  it's because of them that I am who I am. 

Me vs. Myself

Forget the nonsense of there and here, race, nation, religion, starting point and destination. You are Soul, and you are Love.

~Rumi

After last week, I started thinking a lot about my most recent posts, and why I have been focusing so much on worry, fear, frustration, nervousness. Well, I mean, I've been worrying a lot about the future. But, you know, this is normal. I am at a point in my life where big decisions will have to be made and it's more than normal to feel the way I do (or at least I think it's normal). 

So, after realizing that it's ok to feel that way sometimes...  I took a deeper look into my life and how I have been "running it". So I noted that this is the happiest I've been. I am a happy person, I feel happiness every day in my life, I feel the love from people around me, and I try to love people the best I can. I am exactly where I want to be, I aspire to better myself and I seek do get better daily. The thing is... I just expect too much of myself. I've always done that (and I think most of us do that too). There are days that I will feel a little more tired, worn out, not motivated, or just plain frustrated at something. But that's ok. "This too shall pass" - an important person in my life reminded me of this a few months ago.
Well, the reason I came to this realization is because so many times we focus too much on who is doing better than us, and we tend to compare ourselves to everyone. We compare our families, our religions, our fitness levels, our grades, our cars, and so on. Well, I am tired of comparing and being compared. I am tired of judging and being judged. This is not what life is about. Life is about the betterment of oneself. Life is about us seeking to be Christ-like the best we can. And for that matter, we must drop judgment. I especially see a lot of judgment in religion, and that's the topic that frustrates me the most. We are wired differently, it's a fact. One cannot tell me that MY WAY of worshiping is wrong. I love all religions, and respect all religions. My purpose in life is to be love and show love. Not to judge someone by their religion practices. The way my relationship with Christ works may be different than yours - it doesn't mean one of us are wrong, or one of us are not "good followers". I am tired of the labels. I am done with the race against others. I am racing against myself. As long as I am in peace with my heart, as long as I am happy and doing what I think I am supposed to be doing, then I am GOOD. No more worrying. No more frustrations. No more beating myself up. I am in peace, and I thank God. 

The enigma continues...

"If you fully believe that you need to say something, think. Give your mind a chance to take over your heart before striking out. This step might be a little hard at times, but you can do it."

Sometimes I wish there could be a job career that all you do was THINK. I would be the best one in the world. I think a lot of about pretty much every aspect of my life. Sometimes, these thoughts lead me to some much needed clarification. Other times, it leads me down to a black tunnel that will get me nowhere. This winter break might have been the most thought-provoking one (AKA overthinking). Interesting enough, these thoughts spark up by a small action done by either me or someone who is around me. It doesn't take much for me to think A LOT. It's almost like when you see your child sneezing and you think they have pneumonia. Yep, That's me. 

Well, lately, I have been critizing myself quite a lot, and being very harsh to everything I do/say/think. Maybe that may be because I may not feel appreciated or that I may not feel like I am essential to anyone's life. So, because of that, my thoughts haven't really been the most positive...
Moreover, I have been thinking a lot about the future. That big word we hear since we are little kids, when our parents ask us what we want to do when we grow up. I mean, I ask that kind of question to kids nowadays, but not because I am necessarily interested in what they will become, but maybe they can give me some ideas on what I could be?! Ha. Well, I've grown up, and still don't know what I'm gonna do in life. I think this is more common than we think among people in their 20s. 
But the future is actually catching up to me. It's almost here... in a few moments, fork in the road will be in front of me; and I will have to decide between two very different choices. 

This overthinking and worrying may just be because I critize myself too much and I leave no room for mistakes. I am scared I will make a mistake in one of the biggest decision I had to make so far in my life. I always told myself to not have too high of expectations because I would set myself up for disappointment. Yes, I have definitely had my share of being disappointed... at myself and others. But you have to have high standards to get what you want and deserve in your life. At this point, I'm willing to take that risk... If I hold back, I am risking even more!