Sunday, October 12, 2014

Meredith Andrews - Not for a moment

You were reaching through the storm 
Walking on the water 
Even when I could not see 
In the middle of it all 
When I thought You were a thousand miles away 
Not for a moment did You forsake me 

Not for a moment did You forsake me 

After all You are constant 
After all You are only good 
After all You are sovereign 

Not for a moment will You forsake me 
Not for a moment will You forsake me 

You were singing in the dark 
Whispering Your promise 
Even when I could not hear 
I was held in Your arms 
Carried for a thousand miles to show 
Not for a moment did You forsake me 


And every step every breath you are there 
Every tear every cry every prayer 

In my hurt at my worst 
When my world falls down 
Not for a moment will You forsake me 

Even in the dark 
Even when it's hard 
You will never leave me 
After all 
Not for a moment will You forsake me

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Pensando bem...

Você sabe o que é pior do que não ter a quem amar? É amar alguém que não te ama. E sabe o que é ainda pior do que isso? É amar alguém, saber que essa pessoa te ama da mesma forma, mas ter a consciência que vocês não podem ficar juntos. Veja bem, qualquer um pode lutar contra o ciúme, contra as diferenças ou contra o orgulho, mas ainda não inventaram um antídoto contra a distância. Amor distante é ferida sempre aberta. Aquela consciência dilacerante de que você já encontrou a pessoa certa, mas que simplesmente vocês não podem ficar juntos. Pelo menos não agora. Não quando você deseja. Quando precisa. Talvez você não entenda o que eu digo. Talvez não saiba a sorte que tem, por ter se apaixonado pela menina da sua rua, por ter gostado daquele garoto da sua sala ou por sua alma gêmea ter nascido na mesma cidade que você. Já parou para pensar sobre isso? Qual seria a probabilidade do amor da sua vida aparecer justo na sua vida? Qual a chance de um dia vocês se esbarrarem por aí, se reconhecerem, se identificarem, se descobrirem? Se isso aconteceu contigo e essa pessoa mora aí por perto, então agradeça aos céus. Eu não tive essa sorte. Uma parte de mim mora muito longe daqui. O que nos restou foi aprender a conviver com a saudade e tentar transformar tudo isso em uma lembrança saudável. Claro que às vezes dá vontade de jogar tudo para o alto, correr para o aeroporto e comprar uma passagem só de ida. É quando me lembro que na vida real as coisas não funcionam bem assim. Quem sabe em uma próxima vida você more na casa ao lado ou talvez a gente se encontre na cantina do colégio. Quem sabe eu tire seu nome no amigo secreto da empresa ou a gente se esbarre passeando com os cachorros no parque. E aí eu vou poder te contar aquela piada e me apaixonar pelo seu sorriso novamente. Talvez te roube um beijo como da primeira vez sem precisar te dizer adeus depois. Seria incrível, mas sinceramente, eu não tenho do que reclamar. Por que sabe o que seria ainda pior do que amar sem ser amado ou amar alguém distante? Sem dúvidas seria não ter tido a chance de te amar. Eu tive, amei, amo, e sei que mesmo que a distância prevaleça, o seu lugar estará sempre guardado aqui dentro. Pensando assim, logo aquela mágoa vai embora e finalmente me dou conta de como é especial ter alguém como você na minha história. Deixo um pouco a ingratidão de lado e vejo que, na verdade, o destino foi muito generoso comigo. Mesmo tendo nascido com vidas tão distantes, tivemos a chance de nos encontrar. E por mais que tenham sido poucos momentos juntos e uma vida inteira de saudades, eu não seria tolo de reclamar da minha melhor lembrança.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Alguém...

Alguém vai gostar de você. Tenho certeza disso. Inclusive me arrisco a afirmar que nesse exato momento existe uma pessoa procurando desesperadamente por ti. Alguém que vai gostar do seu cabelo e do som da sua risada. Alguém que vai valorizar o que outros não enxergaram e te ajudar a superar os seus medos. Essa pessoa vai aparecer. Uma hora ou outra vocês vão se esbarrar por aí. Esse vazio no peito é passageiro. Você já teve que conviver com ele outras vezes. Esse medo de gostar, essa desconfiança dos sentimentos, essas marcas do passado, essa mania de achar que todo mundo é igual, que não vale a pena acreditar… Tudo isso vai passar. Tenha calma. Vai dar errado ainda algumas vezes antes de dar certo, mas no final vai valer a pena. Você só precisa ter a tranquilidade necessária para esperar essa hora chegar. Que tal fazer menos planos? Que tal tentar se divertir até lá? Sabe, olhando para você agora consigo te imaginar daqui a alguns anos. Vejo uma bela mulher distraída sentada na varanda olhando as crianças brincando com o cachorro no jardim. Aquele sorriso fácil de quem já viveu tudo que tinha pra viver. Aquela paz que só o tempo tem o poder de trazer. E quando uma brisa de saudade te visitar vai fechar os olhos e lembrar-se exatamente dos dias de hoje. Vai sorrir recordando suas trapalhadas, suas aventuras e de todas as curvas do caminho até ali. Vai sentir vontade de voltar no tempo. Vai querer viver tudo outra vez. E quando o lamento da nostalgia estiver por se aproximar, ele vai chegar do trabalho e te dar um longo abraço com um beijo na testa. Sim, ele! A pessoa que está por chegar. Não vai demorar mais tanto assim. Até lá, trate de cuidar dessas feridas, preencher esse vazio e acalmar o seu coração. Vai por mim, quanto menos você precisar de alguém, mais pronta estará para encontrá-lo. Funciona quase sempre assim: você passa a tarde inteira procurando a felicidade pelo quintal, quando deita no sofá para descansar um pouco ela te abraça de conchinha.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Los Hermanos - Ultimo Romance

Eu encontrei quando não quis
Mais procurar o meu amor
E quanto levou foi pr'eu merecer
Antes um mês e eu já não sei

E até quem me vê lendo o jornal
Na fila do pão, sabe que eu te encontrei
E ninguém dirá que é tarde demais
Que é tão diferente assim
Do nosso amor a gente é que sabe, pequena

Ah, vai
Me diz o que é o sufoco
Que eu te mostro alguém
A fim de te acompanhar
E se o caso for de ir à praia
Eu levo essa casa numa sacola

Eu encontrei e quis duvidar
Tanto clichê, deve não ser
Você me falou pr'eu não me preocupar
Ter fé e ver coragem no amor

E só de te ver, eu penso em trocar
A minha TV, num jeito de te levar
A qualquer lugar que você queira
E ir aonde o vento for
Que pra nós dois
Sair de casa já é se aventurar

Ah, vai
Me diz o que é o sossego
Que eu te mostro alguém
A fim de te acompanhar
E se o tempo for te levar
Eu sigo essa hora e pego carona
Pra te acompanhar





"Sei lá, tá tudo tão legal, e um legal batalhado, um legal merecido, de costas e pernas doendo, mas coração tranquilo..."

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Momentos e momentos...

Há momentos na vida em que sentimos tanto
a falta de alguém que o que mais queremos
é tirar esta pessoa de nossos sonhos
e abraçá-la.

Sonhe com aquilo que você quiser.
Seja o que você quer ser,
porque você possui apenas uma vida
e nela só se tem uma chance
de fazer aquilo que se quer.

Tenha felicidade bastante para fazê-la doce.
Dificuldades para fazê-la forte.
Tristeza para fazê-la humana.
E esperança suficiente para fazê-la feliz.

As pessoas mais felizes
não têm as melhores coisas.
Elas sabem fazer o melhor
das oportunidades que aparecem
em seus caminhos.

A felicidade aparece para aqueles que choram.
Para aqueles que se machucam.
Para aqueles que buscam e tentam sempre.
E para aqueles que reconhecem
a importância das pessoas que passam por suas vidas.

O futuro mais brilhante
é baseado num passado intensamente vivido.
Você só terá sucesso na vida
quando perdoar os erros
e as decepções do passado.

A vida é curta, mas as emoções que podemos deixar
duram uma eternidade.
A vida não é de se brincar,
porque um belo dia se morre.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

The irony...

“Sometimes the best and worst times of your life can coincide. It is a talent of the soul to discover the joy in pain—-thinking of moments you long for, and knowing you’ll never have them again. The beautiful ghosts of our past haunt us, and yet we still can’t decide if the pain they caused us out weighs the tender moments when they touched our soul. This is the irony of love.” 
~ Shannon L. Alder


It was then in one of those moments that you appeared. Or I did. Or maybe we just found each other... in the middle of our own tribulation and our own mess. But It was never planned, we didn't choose to be here. Our smiles just collided. It happened in the most spontaneous way. It was innocent, it was kind, it was true... it was what we never intended of creating. It was strong.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Domingo de manhã

Poderia estar agora no espaço em um módulo lunar
Ó que chato
E se eu tivesse agora velejando num barquinho no Caribe
Deus me livre
Poderia estar agora num hotel mil estrelas em Dubai
Mas eu, eu, eu
Prefiro estar aqui
Te perturbando, domingo de manhã
É que eu prefiro ouvir sua voz de sono
Domingo de manhã

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Em paz...

Eu quis tanto ser a tua paz, quis tanto que você fosse o meu encontro. Quis tanto dar, tanto receber. Quis precisar, sem exigências. E sem solicitações, aceitar o que me era dado. Sem ir além, compreende? Não queria pedir mais do que você tinha, assim como eu não daria mais do que dispunha, por limitação humana. Mas o que tinha, era seu. Acho que fiz tudo do jeito melhor, meio torto, talvez, mas tentei da maneira mais bonita que sei. E assim eu vou, em paz, feliz, aliviada.

Escrito 30/06.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Smiles...

29th.


Let us always meet each other with smiles, for the smile is the beginning of love.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

!!!!!!

"Fim de caso, fim de papo
fim de semana livre:
porque a vida só se vive uma vez
Eu não quero que a minha trilha sonora
seja um bolero rameiro
regado a dôr-de-cotovelo e embriaguez.
Eis aqui o momento de dar o fora.
e não haverá tempo, ou hora, pra voltar.
Este amor que fora tão sincero e tão febril
chega ao ponto final sem etcétera e sem refil.
por isso, aproveito o ensejo
e ao invés de um beijo te mando...
à puta que pariu!"

(Marcos Caiado)

29/06

45.

Sometimes we don't have the answers
Sometimes we don't have the right reasons
...We just have to move forward
And see what life has in store.


Felizes são aqueles que se perdoam pelos erros e aceitam como única alternativa, fazer melhor da próxima vez.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Happy

I refuse to let life be nothing but great
I refuse to let adversities get the best of me
I will stand up
I refuse to sink with the ship



Life is too damn short.



"Sunshine's here
You can take a break (...)
Can't nothing bring me down,
My level's too higih to bring me down
Because I'm happy"

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Balcony talks

Sitting on a balcony, she wonders
She wonders where is this true love?
So many speak of, but few have the merit to speak about it?
Admiring that beautiful scenery of the back country
She ponders why is it so rare?
Where is it?
If we all seek it,
Why can't we all have it?
That passionate, endorphin filled love that rushes through our veins.
The one that awaits no sunrise,
Has no boundaries
The one that is madly reasonable
Or reasonably madly
True love, with passion
We all dream about it
But we can't always live it
I want spontaneous visits
Passionate kisses
True lovers,
They recognize each other's flawed essence
But they love them just as much as they love their virtues
I shall seek
Until I find
Or until it kills me.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Incondicionalidade do Amor

"Eu sempre achei que o amor,
Que o grande amor, fosse incondicional.
Que quando duas pessoas se encontram, quando esse grande encontro acontece, você pode trair, brochar, dar todas as porradas, se for um grande amor, ele voltará triunfal.
Sempre!
Mas não, nenhum amor é incondicional.
Então acreditar na incondicionalidade do amor, é decididamente precipitar o fim do amor, porque você acha que esse amor aguenta tudo, então de um jeito ou de outro, você acaba fazendo esse amor passar por tudo, e um amor não aguenta tudo, nada nessa vida é assim!
Daí você fala que esse amor não tem fim, para que o fim então comece.
Um grande amor não é possível,
E talvez por isso seja grande.
Então, assim, nele, obrigatoriamente, cabe e tem que caber também o impossível.
Mas quem acredita?
Quem acredita no impossível, se não apaixonadamente?
Como a um deus, incondicionalmente."


Michel Melamed

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

The true side

The course of love never did run smooth
...

We hear in every corner. We don't need to know someone intimately to know their "love" issues. It's almost as if it is engraved onto their foreheads: "I'm not loved", "He's not present", and so on. It doesn't take much to start realizing that every single couple, married or not, have gone or will go through a dark period in their love lives. When I was younger, I always thought love was beautiful, easy, and that true love would surpass any heartaches, any obstacles. I detested divorce. I thought it was a public display of weakness. How could one give up on love? Love reigns above all. Love is kind, love is patient, it never fails! 
Ha.
Little did I know that life would teach me some very important lessons in the most painful way - by living it. Little did I know that life would test me in every single "moral" I once stood for. 
I've experienced the beauty of love - love is indeed beautiful; an unique feeling worth of being the inspiration to the most talented poets. The purest feeling. Love makes us lighter, renewed. It makes us jump out of bed energized even though we spent countless nights awaken, day dreaming about our beloved. Love is, truly, what makes the world go around. 
On the very opposite scheme, we also have that feeling of disappointment when your once beloved breaks your heart. Every single dream of yours is shattered. The moments once shared only mean that they're part of the past now. Even worse is when you watch, from the first row, someone taking very small pieces of your heart and smashing them right in front of you - yet, you do nothing to stop them; they keep crushing every hope and dream of yours. Cruelty. Love is cruel. It comes rushing into your life without any warrant - it also leaves just as it arrived.
So now, is one weak by giving up on love? Well, the course of love never did run smooth... it teaches us who we truly love and who truly does love us too; this journey teaches us who's worth waiting; who will stick with you; who will fight for you. It's not an easy journey - you will take some hits, you will be down for a moment, but the truth comes out eventually - we'll eventually learn and surely find out who is the one who will be worth of it all.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Coragem

"Coragem, às vezes, é desapego.
É parar de se esticar, em vão, para trazer a linha de volta. É permitir que voe sem que nos leve junto. É aceitar que a esperança há muito se desprendeu do sonho. É aceitar doer inteiro até florir de novo. É abençoar o amor, aquele lá, que a gente não alcança mais."

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Legião Urbana - Mais Uma Vez

Mas é claro que o sol vai voltar amanhã
mais uma vez, eu sei

Escuridão já vi pior, de endoidecer gente sã

Espera que o sol já vem



Tem gente que está do mesmo lado que você
mas deveria estar do lado de lá
Tem gente que machuca os outros
Tem gente que não sabe amar
Tem gente enganando a gente

Veja a nossa vida como está
mas eu sei que um dia a gente aprende
Se você quiser alguém em quem confiar
Confie em si mesmo
Quem acredita sempre alcança

Mas é claro que o sol vai voltar amanhã
mais uma vez, eu sei
Escuridão já vi pior, de endoidecer gente sã
Espera que o sol já vem

Nunca deixe que lhe digam que não vale a pena
Acreditar nos sonhos que se tem
Ou que seus planos nunca vão dar certo
Ou que você nunca vai ser alguém
Tem gente que machuca os outros
Tem gente que não sabe amar

Mas eu sei que um dia a gente aprende
Se você quiser alguém em quem confiar
Confie em si mesmo
Quem acredita sempre alcança...
Quem acredita sempre alcança...
Quem acredita sempre alcança...



Um dia a gente aprende... Aprende que amar dói, que nem sempre é um mar de rosas, nem sempre a gente ganha. Mas a melhor coisa é quando a gente aprende a se valorizar; quando a gente aprende que merecemos o melhor, e que vezes as pessoas não vão te dar o que você realmente merece. As vezes o melhor é um ir para cada lado e seguir suas vidas. As vezes, por mais que você tente e lute... o melhor é dizer adeus. Até porque, escuridão já vi pior.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Time...

"Be careful who you invest your time in. Nothing is worst than wasted time. It's the only thing you can't get back.

I've always thought I was that kind of girl who gave too much. I always thought of myself as that person who would forgive too quickly. I always thought of myself as softhearted. It always seems that I make time for those I love, when most of the time all I get back is crumbles. I am always the one waiting for someone. It feels like I am almost being put not just in second, but in last place. Maybe that issue comes from my myself; had I not forgiven quickly, had I not given people the time of the day, had I not been too kind to those who hurt me, it would be different. I see this issue frequently with parents - they try so hard to teach their children respect, love, appreciation, etc. They never listen. It's only when they're all grown and mature that they'd say "my mom was right". Typical.

"Listen carefully to me. Despite popular belief to the contrary, there is absolutely no power in intention...There is no difference in the person who intends to do things differently and the one who never thinks about it in the first place. Have you ever considered how often we judge ourselves by our intentions while we judge others by their actions? Yet intention without action is an insult to those who expect the best from you." ~ The Noticer



"You want to be part of my life, the door is always open. You want to leave my life, the door is open. But don't stand at the door, you're blocking the traffic"

Matthew West - Forgiveness

This song isn't new, but everytime I listen to it it'd remind me of people who went through horrible tragedies, i.e. the death of an innocent child by a drunk driver, families that were broken by an addiction, betrayal, murderers, etc... I would pray for these people who have been completely devastated by these horrific things - and at the same time, I'd thank God for giving me so many blessings because I can call myself a "white girl" as far as tragedies go in my life.

This song came up on the radio and all of the sudden, it had a whole new meaning to me... I had just gotten done with my last class so I went in my car and decided to lie down for a few minutes.
I lay down, closed my eyes, and I tried not to think about anything. Just have some "me" time - to relax, to let go of anything holding me back. 
Then, I opened my eyes, looked up at the sky and was astounded by the view. It was then that I had a "click" moment... seeing the sky from a different angle made me realize I was missing the whole point. We look at the sky every day and that can be such a ordinary thing, but how often do you lie down to appreciate it for a few minutes?

In the same way, we often try to look at things from the same angle, and maybe that's why we can't find answers to our problems, we keep repeating our mistakes, or we keep being hurt or hurting others.
Then this song came on, and that was the angle I needed to see. This song spoke to me from the very first few lines.

Forgiving others is important, but most of all... forgiving yourself is essential because it sets you free so you can live your life again. It doesn't mean you feel regretful, it just means that even though you had the best intentions in mind, sometimes you fall down. Sometimes things are above you and all you can do is try. We have to understand we go through dark moments once in a while and we can't blame ourselves for feeling discouraged, down, or sad. Sometimes we feel scared, lonely... but we can't feel sorry for ourselves. The key word here is "to be ok" with the not-so-hot moments and embrace it; it's about understanding that we are humans, full of sin, and we will not soar every day - but we sure try, because that's what makes us stronger.

During these times, perhaps all we need is a hand to walk us through all of the mess. But sometimes we need to be away, far; take a deep breath, and just appreciate the sky; enjoy the view.



It’s the hardest thing to give away
And the last thing on your mind today
It always goes to those that don’t deserve

It’s the opposite of how you feel
When the pain they caused is just too real
It takes everything you have just to say the word…

Forgiveness
Forgiveness

It flies in the face of all your pride
It moves away the mad inside
It’s always anger’s own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge
Say you gotta right to hold a grudge
It’s the whisper in your ear saying ‘Set It Free’

Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness

It’ll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what its power can do
So, let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you

Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness

I want to finally set it free
So show me how to see what Your mercy sees
Help me now to give what You gave to me

Forgiveness, Forgiveness



Footnote: this one is a reminder for myself. 
Embrace the dark times, they will shape who you are. Be the best you can be during these moments, don't feel sorry or mad if you are not where you want to be - keep fighting and you'll get there. Never give up on yourself. Be strong. Be kind to the special ones in your life. Be kind to those who choose to leave too. Never lose hope. And most importantly: NEVER let go of your best asset - your heart.

Friday, May 16, 2014

?

Não pense que sou inocente
Não pense que sou tão fácil assim
Eu apenas lhe perdoei
O resto do caminho é seu para traçar
O que você quer?
Escolha!
A felicidade às vezes requer lágrimas e esforço
Nem sempre é um mar de rosas
O sucesso nunca vem fácil
Apenas esteja pronto para lutar
Abra seu peito e absorva tudo - seus erros e acertos
A estrada é longa...
Você está disposto?
Veremos.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Happiness is within us.

I've written a lot of times about happiness. I've always tried to keep the mindset that we can set our own happiness.
So many times this year already I've had things hit me so hard and knock me down... but I always keep in my mind that "this too shall pass" - and those unfortunate situations won't make me unhappy.

Within the last 12 months, I got into the biggest fight I have ever had with my brother; I called him things I never meant to - listening to the words that came out of my mouth broke my own heart... I had become somebody I wasn't: revengeful. I later on apologized to him in a letter, and I do hope one day he can forgive me. During that same time, the person who I thought would be there for me through this, decided to leave. I was heart broken twice! My heart had become so numb that I couldn't even cry. I was leaving the house at 5 in the morning and coming back home at 11 pm. Brutal. I was working endless hours, which later on I found out that all those hours of hard work weren't going to be paid. I quit my job. I felt like I wasn't appreciated and that my hard work, all those hours I put my heart and soul into it, had gone to waste!
Somehow, through all this mess, I met a wonderful person who put my life into perspective - he made me realize that I am not a horrible person, I was just hurt. He made me discover how strong I was and how much I was capable of. He pushed me emotionally, mentally, and physically. That person grabbed my hand and took me out of the hole I dug myself into. I don't think I will ever be able to repay for that short amount of time that he was able to help me.
Then, I had the person that had left me for two months, come back to me and say that he made the biggest mistake of his life. That shook my world. At that time, I was fine - I had realized how strong I could be, how much I had accomplished and that I could actually stand on my own feet again. His words to me meant so much - but I wasn't sure if I was ready to give this person, who had hurt me so much, a second chance? Well, I've always been one that chooses love over most  things, so I took the chance. At that time, I had a chance to crush his heart, like he did to me, and to soar high and feel no pitty for him. But I didn't. Instead, I took the chance to being hurt again, to open my heart so our love could be reborn. That's what I did, and that's what happened. Our love was reborn. We were closer than we had ever been. Our relationship had more trouble than before, yes, but we were working through them because we knew how much we loved each other, and that would rise above any issues - or so I thought.
For awhile, I struggled with trust. I didn't trust him he would communicate with him, I was scared of him leaving me. Feeling like that for a few months took some years out of my life but I pushed myself hard enough to bring down the wall I had carefully built. I, however, eventually did destroy that wall of doubt and fear.
The new year came and it was time to start thinking about what university I would transfer. I've had my eyes on San Diego, but now I had this wonderful man beside me that was brave and humble enough to come back and apologize for his mistakes. I had a man who would make me smile through any obstacles I faced; I had a man who would hold me tight at night, who would kiss me good night. How could I leave this man like this? He and I were what I've always wanted to have in a relationship - a person who understood my shortcomings and appreciated my virtues. I felt so blessed and loved.
This whole puzzle consumed me for months. One day I thought I wanted to go, the other I thought I wanted to stay. 
It was then that I had a plan... I wanted to stay, buy a house, and give love a shot [again].
Well, my plans didn't really go as planned. I found out that having my own home and ridding myself from landlords wouldn't be an option in the near future. That CRUSHED me. I know I dream big, but somehow I thought it could work. Well, I overcame that pretty quickly and decided to just be glad where I was - happy, with the man I love, and doing what I had dreamt since 14 - going to college abroad.
The contemplation only got worse though: now I wouldn't have what I had planned here... San Diego just seemed like such a much better option for a while - better school, better weather, more opportunity. Only one problem - no emotional support, greater financial stress, far away. Now what? What do I choose? A college that could give me all the opportunities I had always dreamt I could have, or the place where I knew I could be happy and could still give me opportunities? 
I was still undecided when I heard back from San Diego. I got denied, and it was my fault. I didn't complete all the necessary steps for the application to be valid, and they denied me. I had a cumulative 4.0 and there was no way they could deny me! I was CRUSHED, HEART BROKEN, DISAPPOINTED AT MYSELF, LOST, CONFUSED. I never knew I wanted that so much, until I lost it. Funny, huh? I hear all the time how people don't fully appreciate others until they've lost them. Well, it had finally happened to me, but it just wasn't a person this time. It was that afternoon that I knew where I should go. I just wasn't sure I could do it (meaning: was I strong enough?).
I honestly started to doubt myself that I wasn't strong enough to go through a big change in my life again. I thought I wasn't strong enough to be able to do it on my own! In hindsight, I laugh how faithless in myself I was. "What do you mean you can't do it? Girl, you've been through hell and back. What do you mean you can't deal with a simple change of city? Get your shit together." 
That's what I should have said. But I didn't. Instead, I convinced myself I was better off staying here, in the safe zone, rather than being who I was - a brave, adventure-seeking person. Honestly, I am not one bit regretful of my decision - I know why I chose what I did - I chose love, once again, because I believed in it with every ounce of my body.

The decision was made. I was staying. Meanwhile, I had to get everything done for my stay here: I had to get another place because the house I lived was being sold. That was two months of hell. Find a roommate. Find a place. Check and check. Now all I needed was a cosignor so I could move into this great apartment. I spent about two months pretty much knocking on every one of my friend's door, crying out for help. I got nothing. I felt like I couldn't really rely on anybody; I felt alone - everytime I needed help, I was turned down. That has been a big lesson so far. I can count on one hand those I know that will be there through thick and thin. This experience made me feel appreciate them so much more. I eventually figured out the apartment issue and I was on track to getting all my stuff done to stay here. I was actually happy to be giving this a chance, and I couldn't wait for this new chapter in my life to begin.
Well, I was about to finalize my papers on Monday! I was about to go to see my parents for a summer; and he, the person who has been through all of this with me, was going with me - or so I thought.

It turns that that he left me once again. And he just didn't leave me. He left my parents who put their lives on hold for his visit, my friends who were anxious to meet him, my country awaited him! After sharing so many special moments together, going through the good and the bad, how can somebody just give up on you like that? I had never given myself so much to somebody like that. It's hard to wrap your heard around how one can just leave without "warning". I couldn't believe all those moments we shared were just gone... laughter, hugs, meals together, adventures, all the plans we had... it just didn't matter anymore. For two whole days, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. 

But I needed that.

The reason I am writing all of this here is ONE: so I don't forget this very important year of my life that has been a very decisive year and every decision I made and make during this year will shape how I face future struggles and accomplishments. Reason TWO is because the reason as to why he left me was that "he wasn't happy"...

Upon several sleepless nights and those words circling my head like vultures,
I realized something: HAPPINESS IS WITHIN US. A friend showed me an article that talked about how you can't blame the person you are with for your own unhappiness, and I quote: "He can't try to blame me for his pain. Unload his feelings of personal disgrace onto me. (...) The truth feels like the biggest sucker-punch of them all: It's not a spouse, or land, or a job, or money that brings us happiness. Those achievements, those relationships, can enhance our happiness, yes, but happiness has to start from within. Relying on any other equation can be lethal."

Yes, people have their issues. But who doesn't? People disagree. But who doesn't? Nobody is happy all the time. I still believe in the power of love - the power to bring two people together even though they were raised in different ways, went through different obstacles in life, have different likes and dislikes, act a certain way, etc. I especially believe in the power of God in our relationship - he's a teacher, a shepherd; he guides and show us how we should conduct our relationships. I believe He can renew ourselves and our relationships. I believe we can choose to be happy, to look at the blessings in our lives - or we can choose to look at the dark spots, the bruises, and let that dictate our lives.

After all I went through, I can say I have been happy through it all. I've been able to look at my darkest moments and find gratefulness. I can say I've had my bad days, my bad weeks... but ultimately, I am happy doing what I have been doing: fighting against every obstacle that comes my way. Being strong. I am happy and DAMN PROUD of myself for allowing me to cry sometimes. I am happy to make myself vulnerable and offer others the best I can be, despite my shortcomings. I am happy for giving others a second chance, for letting new people into my life to change me for the better. I am happy for putting myself out there, for never giving up on my dreams. Life is not easy, life is not always a bed of roses... but it is damn worth it. I can find happiness within myself. I can find closure knowing that I did the best I could. And that's all I can do. We can't control what life throws at us, but we can certainly control how we react to every single situation in our every day lives. 

I choose to be happy. That is all. I am happy and I will continue to be happy, regardless of what life has in store for me.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Just another breakup

Well, and so it happens again. I find myself not understanding this situation - like always; but this isn't news to me, it's just life... one day you're standing and have where to lean on, the other day you're limping with nothing to hold on. However, it's in times like these that I can be my strongest, chin up, and be proud of who I truly I am: a damn tough mother fucker. I've dealt with some pretty hard shit, and you know what? This isn't anything close to what life has thrown at me before at a much younger age. 


"Remember, my child, anyone can love you when the sun is shining. In the storms is where you learn who truly cares for you." 


There goes another one...
Just another heartbreak
Just another heartache
Another bad lie, another goodbye looking for another
Heart to break

I felt it coming
The beginning of our end
It's replaying on my mind
And I guess I just can't comprehend

It's just another break up
It's for the better
That's all it matters

All the expectations and hope
They're all gone
That's what hurts the most
I'm not sad
I'm just done
Tired of doing this on my own
Tired of having to move on

Just another broken heart
Just another fresh start


P.S. don't give a second chance to someone who won't do the same;
don't give all your heart to someone who doesn't appreciate it;
don't try hard to fix things when nobody else is trying;
do not care too much when someone else only cares about themselves;
don't put someone as a priority, when they don't put you as one;
don't commit fully to those who never wanted to commit.
and remember - smile through the darkness,
the stars are beautiful too.


"Keep your head up, God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers"

Friday, April 25, 2014

Pelo que você é grato?

Rick Warren, em resposta à pergunta da revista TIME, em entrevista no ano passado:
"Pelo que você é grato?"

"Este ano se tornou o pior ano da minha vida quando meu filho caçula, que desde a infância lutou contra uma doença mental, tomou sua própria vida. Como que devo ser grato por isso? Deus não espera que eu seja grato POR todas as circunstâncias, mas EM todas as circunstâncias. Há uma grande diferença. A primeira atitude é masoquismo. A segunda mostra maturidade. Não devemos ser gratos pelo mal ou pelo pecado, ou pelo sofrimento inocente causado por essas coisas. Mas mesmo na dor e no luto, ainda há coisas boas pelas quais posso ser grato. Sou grato porque Deus vê tudo pelo qual passo. Ele se importa comigo. Ele chora comigo. Sou grato porque, mesmo sem ter todas as respostas, Deus as tem. Sou grato porque Deus pode tirar bem do mal na minha vida, quando entrego a Ele as peças. É a especialidade dele. Deus ama transformar crucificações em ressurreições, e então beneficiar todo o mundo. Deus nunca desperdiça a dor, se nós a entregarmos a Ele."


"Mantenha seus pensamentos positivos, porque seus pensamentos tornam-se suas palavras. Mantenha suas palavras positivas, porque suas palavras tornam-se suas atitudes. Mantenha suas atitudes positivas, porque suas atitudes tornam-se seus hábitos. Mantenha seus hábitos positivos, porque seus hábitos tornam-se seus valores. Mantenha seus valores positivos, porque seus valores... Tornam-se seu destino." ~ Gandhi

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Me against the world

I've been learning, slowly and painfully, not to rely on most people. 

Reaching out to help or showing support doesn't have to involve physical things or physical presence; words of encouragement is the biggest support one could have in the midst of any trouble; knowing somebody is there to listen, to understand you, to comfort you, and to care for when you're down... THAT is be biggest gift one could give to someone.
 I haven't seen much of that... I think life is trying to tell me something here... It's me against the world.

Sometimes you just have to expect more in order to break away and be independent.

"Neither should a ship rely on one small anchor, nor should life rest on a single hope"

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Self-analysis

I'd like to say that I am an independent woman. I'd like to believe that I am strong and capable of rising through any darkness. I'd like to brag that regardless of any negativity around me, I will strive. I'd like to say that regardless of people's rudeness, coldness, and insensitivity, I am still who I am. But, it's not always like that... I can't always win, I can't always end up intact at the end of a battle. Lately, in special, I feel emotionally wea -. I feel like I weigh as little as a paper and anything brings me down... Words, gestures, or the lack thereof - it has reflected tremendously in my life more than I'd like to confess. I remember a few years back when none of that mattered or affected me... What happened? I am not sure which one is worse or better. To care or not to care. I feel honored that yes, I do have emotions and I show them. But then at the same time I wonder if what I am receiving is the product of what I am sending? I don't want to be negative, I don't want to be cocky, rude, or act as if I am above all. I want to be humble, to feel touched by the simple things... I don't want to feel motivated by luxury and money. I want to be a more simple me. Sometimes I feel like the world has worn me out a little... and I am becoming a different person... sometimes I feel that is for the better... it's good to change right... but maybe that isn't the best of changes...
I guess the reason why this topic started is because I feel alone at times and everyone has gone away. Maybe I shouldn't care too much about what the world sends my way, rather I should care about what I am sending to the world.
This is a reminder for me to be kind even when I feel someone doesn't deserve it. To be LOVING, even when someone has shown me hatred. To be HUMBLE, even when the world tells me that what holds value are things, and not our character... This is a reminder to always be SELF-GIVING, even when I feel like I should think of myself sometimes. This is a reminder to never JUDGE others, even when everybody is pointing fingers.This is a reminder for me to TRUST, even though the world has doubted me. This is reminder for to be GO AGAINST THE CURRENT, even thought it's much easier to follow the crowd.

A letter

Farewell Letter

If God, for a second, forgot what I have become and granted me a little bit more of life, I would use it to the best of my ability.

I wouldn’t, possibly, say everything that is in my mind, but I would be more thoughtful l of all I say.

I would give merit to things not for what they are worth, but for what they mean to express.

I would sleep little, I would dream more, because I know that for every minute that we close our eyes, we waste 60 seconds of light.

I would walk while others stop; I would awake while others sleep.

If God would give me a little bit more of life, I would dress in a simple manner, I would place myself in front of the sun, leaving not only my body, but my soul naked at its mercy.

To all men, I would say how mistaken they are when they think that they stop falling in love when they grow old, without knowing that they grow old when they stop falling in love.

I would give wings to children, but I would leave it to them to learn how to fly by themselves.

To old people I would say that death doesn’t arrive when they grow old, but with forgetfulness.

I have learned so much with you all, I have learned that everybody wants to live on top of the mountain, without knowing that true happiness is obtained in the journey taken & the form used to reach the top of the hill.

I have learned that when a newborn baby holds, with its little hand, his father’s finger, it has trapped him for the rest of his life.

I have learned that a man has the right and obligation to look down at another man, only when that man needs help to get up from the ground.

Say always what you feel, not what you think. If I knew that today is the last time that that I am going to see you asleep, I would hug you with all my strength and I would pray to the Lord to let me be the guardian angel of your soul.

If I knew that these are the last moments to see you, I would say “I love you.”

There is always tomorrow, and life gives us another opportunity to do things right, but in case I am wrong, and today is all that is left to me, I would love to tell you how much I love you & that I will never forget you.

Tomorrow is never guaranteed to anyone, young or old. Today could be the last time to see your loved ones, which is why you mustn’t wait; do it today, in case tomorrow never arrives. I am sure you will be sorry you wasted the opportunity today to give a smile, a hug, a kiss, and that you were too busy to grant them their last wish.

Keep your loved ones near you; tell them in their ears and to their faces how much you need them and love them. Love them and treat them well; take your time to tell them “I am sorry,” “forgive me, “please,” “thank you,” and all those loving words you know.

Nobody will know you for your secret thought. Ask the Lord for wisdom and strength to express them.

Show your friends and loved ones how important they are to you.

Send this letter to those you love. If you don’t do it today…tomorrow will be like yesterday, and if you never do it, it doesn’t matter either, the moment to do it is now.

For you, with much love,

Your Friend,
Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

What life has taught me so far.

“Life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes. Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such”

― Henry Miller


If there is one thing in life I have learned as a young adult is that life moves on. You're not going be sad forever, nor are you going to be happy forever. Struggles come and go, happy moments come and go. Life truly is a roller-coaster (or a bike ride, actually). For me to be able to enjoy the downhill, I have to suffer and struggle to go up the hill. It hurts, it's painful, you want to give up. But you don't, you keep going because you'll get the view from the top of the mountain. You'll be able to take a deep breath and smile and feel accomplished because you're at the top, and you get to enjoy the ride down. Life sometimes may seem slow, but you can't spring uphill - you have to put yourself in a lower gear and pedal hard. Sometimes you have to be humble and realize that right now you might not be doing that great in some aspects in life, but you have to start slow today to be fast tomorrow. 

When I am feeling discouraged, I often look back in my life and remember where I was in life. I was much more insecure, really didn't have a direction to go in life, and didn't have a lot figured out. Even though currently I don't have everything in place, I know what I want and how to get there. Half of battle is fought.

Another thing that I have realized in the past 6 months is that my outlook on life affects how I live my life and how I deal with the dark times. If I am constantly discouraged and thinking negative things, I will keep finding myself defeated and beaten. If I have confidence in me and know that I can do this, I will. Someone yesterday told me "I don't know how you can always be so energetic". Hey, guess what. Most of the times I feel exhausted, but I tell my body to keep going, and I smile. I am not going to be dwelling on the little things in life that tire me or bring me down.

It takes courage to become what you really are and what you're destined to be. I choose to live a life I am proud of, I choose to be me and face all the fears and bumps on the road. It's much easier to be me, instead of daydreaming about being some perfected version of a person that doesn't exist. The past and the struggles are building me up to be the strongest I can be, and I am thankful for that.

"Advice for a Happy Life by Charles Murray"

I was reading the Wall Street Journal the other day, and came across this interesting article. I've seen a lot of articles with equivalent titles, but the way this guy flat out explains his views is just awesome. It doesn't necessarily mean I agree with all that he said, but I am one to respect people's opinions and views without judgment on whether it's the absolute truth or not. It's his opinion, period. Obviously no one can be happy all the time, but his insight on this subject sure entices you to think.
"The transition from college to adult life is treacherous, and this is nowhere more visible than among new college graduates in their first real jobs. A few years ago, I took it upon myself to start writing tips for the young staff where I work about how to avoid doing things that would make their supervisors write them off. It began as a lark as I wrote tips with titles such as, "Excise the word 'like' from your spoken English.
But eventually, I found myself getting into the deeper waters of how to go about living a good life. At that point, I had to deal with a reality: When it comes to a life filled with deep and lasting satisfactions, most of the clichés are true. How could I make them sound fresh to a new generation? Here's how I tried.
1. Consider Marrying Young
The age of marriage for college graduates has been increasing for decades, and this cultural shift has been a good thing. Many 22-year-olds are saved from bad marriages because they go into relationships at that age assuming that marriage is still out of the question.
But should you assume that marriage is still out of the question when you're 25? Twenty-seven? I'm not suggesting that you decide ahead of time that you will get married in your 20s. You've got to wait until the right person comes along. I'm just pointing out that you shouldn't exclude the possibility. If you wait until your 30s, your marriage is likely to be a merger. If you get married in your 20s, it is likely to be a startup.
Merger marriages are what you tend to see on the weddings pages of the Sunday New York Times: highly educated couples in their 30s, both people well on their way to success. Lots of things can be said in favor of merger marriages. The bride and groom may be more mature, less likely to outgrow each other or to feel impelled, 10 years into the marriage, to make up for their lost youth.
But let me put in a word for startup marriages, in which the success of the partners isn't yet assured. The groom with his new architecture degree is still designing stairwells, and the bride is starting her third year of medical school. Their income doesn't leave them impoverished, but they have to watch every penny.
What are the advantages of a startup marriage? For one thing, you will both have memories of your life together when it was all still up in the air. You'll have fun remembering the years when you went from being scared newcomers to the point at which you realized you were going to make it.
Even more important, you and your spouse will have made your way together. Whatever happens, you will have shared the experience. And each of you will know that you wouldn't have become the person you are without the other.
Many merger marriages are happy, but a certain kind of symbiosis, where two people become more than the sum of the individuals, is perhaps more common in startups.
2. Learn How to Recognize Your Soul Mate
Ready for some clichés about marriage? Here they come. Because they're true.
Marry someone with similar tastes and preferences. Which tastes and preferences? The ones that will affect life almost every day.
It is OK if you like the ballet and your spouse doesn't. Reasonable people can accommodate each other on such differences. But if you dislike each other's friends, or don't get each other's senses of humor or—especially—if you have different ethical impulses, break it off and find someone else.
Personal habits that you find objectionable are probably deal-breakers. Jacques Barzun identified the top three as punctuality, orderliness and thriftiness. It doesn't make any difference which point of the spectrum you're on, he observed: "Some couples are very happy living always in debt, always being late, and finding leftover pizza under a sofa cushion." You just have to be at the same point on the spectrum. Intractable differences will become, over time, a fingernail dragged across the blackboard of a marriage.
What you see is what you're going to get. If something about your prospective spouse bothers you but you think that you can change your beloved after you're married, you're wrong. Be prepared to live with whatever bothers you—or forget it. Your spouse will undoubtedly change during a long marriage but not in ways you can predict or control.
It is absolutely crucial that you really, really like your spouse. You hear it all the time from people who are in great marriages: "I'm married to my best friend." They are being literal. A good working definition of "soul mate" is "your closest friend, to whom you are also sexually attracted."
Here are two things to worry about as you look for that person: Do you sometimes pick at each other's sore spots? You like the same things, have fun together, the sex is great, but one of you is controlling, or nags the other, or won't let a difference of opinion go or knowingly says things that will hurt you. Break it off.
Another cause for worry is the grand passion. You know a relationship is a grand passion if you find yourself behaving like an adolescent long after adolescence has passed—you are obsessed and a more than a little crazy. Not to worry. Everyone should experience at least one grand passion. Just don't act on it while the storm is raging.
A good marriage is the best thing that can ever happen to you. Above all else, realize that this cliché is true. The downside risks of marrying—and they are real—are nothing compared with what you will gain from a good one.
3. Eventually Stop Fretting About Fame and Fortune
One of my assumptions about you is that you are ambitious—meaning that you hope to become famous, rich or both, and intend to devote intense energy over the next few decades to pursuing those dreams. That is as it should be. I look with suspicion on any talented 20-something who doesn't feel that way. I wish you luck.
But suppose you arrive at age 40, and you enjoy your work, have found your soul mate, are raising a couple of terrific kids—and recognize that you will probably never become either rich or famous. At that point, it is important to supplement your youthful ambition with mature understanding.
Years ago, I was watching a television profile of David Geffen, the billionaire music and film producer. At some point, he said, "Show me someone who thinks that money buys happiness, and I'll show you someone who has never had a lot of money." The remark was accompanied by an ineffably sad smile on Mr. Geffen's face, which said that he had been there, done that and knew what he was talking about. The whole vignette struck me in a way that "money can't buy happiness" never had, and my visceral reaction was reinforced by one especially memorable shot during the profile, taken down the length of Mr. Geffen's private jet, along the rows of empty leather seats and sofas, to where he sat all alone in the rear.
The problem that you face in your 20s and 30s is that you are gnawed by anxiety that you won't be a big success. It is an inevitable side effect of ambition. My little story about David Geffen won't help—now. Pull it out again in 20 years.
Fame and wealth do accomplish something: They cure ambition anxiety. But that's all. It isn't much.
4. Take Religion Seriously
Don't bother to read this one if you're already satisfyingly engaged with a religious tradition.
Now that we're alone, here's where a lot of you stand when it comes to religion: It isn't for you. You don't mind if other people are devout, but you don't get it. Smart people don't believe that stuff anymore.
I can be sure that is what many of you think because your generation of high-IQ, college-educated young people, like mine 50 years ago, has been as thoroughly socialized to be secular as your counterparts in preceding generations were socialized to be devout. Some of you grew up with parents who weren't religious, and you've never given religion a thought. Others of you followed the religion of your parents as children but left religion behind as you were socialized by college.
By socialized, I don't mean that you studied theology under professors who persuaded you that Thomas Aquinas was wrong. You didn't study theology at all. None of the professors you admired were religious. When the topic of religion came up, they treated it dismissively or as a subject of humor. You went along with the zeitgeist.
I am describing my own religious life from the time I went to Harvard until my late 40s. At that point, my wife, prompted by the birth of our first child, had found a religious tradition in which she was comfortable, Quakerism, and had been attending Quaker meetings for several years. I began keeping her company and started reading on religion. I still describe myself as an agnostic, but my unbelief is getting shaky.
Taking religion seriously means work. If you're waiting for a road-to-Damascus experience, you're kidding yourself. Getting inside the wisdom of the great religions doesn't happen by sitting on beaches, watching sunsets and waiting for enlightenment. It can easily require as much intellectual effort as a law degree.
Even dabbling at the edges has demonstrated to me the depths of Judaism, Buddhism and Taoism. I assume that I would find similar depths in Islam and Hinduism as well. I certainly have developed a far greater appreciation for Christianity, the tradition with which I'm most familiar. The Sunday school stories I learned as a child bear no resemblance to Christianity taken seriously. You've got to grapple with the real thing.
Start by jarring yourself out of unreflective atheism or agnosticism. A good way to do that is to read about contemporary cosmology. The universe isn't only stranger than we knew; it is stranger and vastly more unlikely than we could have imagined, and we aren't even close to discovering its last mysteries. That reading won't lead you to religion, but it may stop you from being unreflective.
Find ways to put yourself around people who are profoundly religious. You will encounter individuals whose intelligence, judgment and critical faculties are as impressive as those of your smartest atheist friends—and who also possess a disquieting confidence in an underlying reality behind the many religious dogmas.
They have learned to reconcile faith and reason, yes, but beyond that, they persuasively convey ways of knowing that transcend intellectual understanding. They exhibit in their own personae a kind of wisdom that goes beyond just having intelligence and good judgment.
Start reading religious literature. You don't have to go back to Aquinas (though that wouldn't be a bad idea). The past hundred years have produced excellent and accessible work, much of it written by people who came to adulthood as uninvolved in religion as you are.
5. Watch 'Groundhog Day' Repeatedly
The movie "Groundhog Day" was made more than two decades ago, but it is still smart and funny. It is also a brilliant moral fable that deals with the most fundamental issues of virtue and happiness, done with such subtlety that you really need to watch it several times.
An egocentric TV weatherman played by Bill Murray is sent to Punxsutawney, Pa., to cover Groundhog Day. He hates the assignment, disdains the town and its people, and can't wait to get back to Pittsburgh. But a snowstorm strikes, he's stuck in Punxsutawney, and when he wakes up the next morning, it is Groundhog Day again. And again and again and again.
The director and co-writer Harold Ramis, whose death last month was mourned by his many fans, estimated that the movie has to represent at least 30 or 40 years' worth of days. We see only a few dozen of them, ending when Bill Murray's character has discovered the secrets of human happiness.
Without the slightest bit of preaching, the movie shows the bumpy, unplanned evolution of his protagonist from a jerk to a fully realized human being—a person who has learned to experience deep, lasting and justified satisfaction with life even though he has only one day to work with.
You could learn the same truths by studying Aristotle's "Ethics" carefully, but watching "Groundhog Day" repeatedly is a lot more fun."
This essay is adapted from Mr. Murray's new book, "The Curmudgeon's Guide to Getting Ahead: Dos and Don'ts of Right Behavior, Tough Thinking, Clear Writing, and Living a Good Life," which will be published April 8 by Random House. He is the W.H. Brady Scholar at the American Enterprise Institute