Time...

"Be careful who you invest your time in. Nothing is worst than wasted time. It's the only thing you can't get back.

I've always thought I was that kind of girl who gave too much. I always thought of myself as that person who would forgive too quickly. I always thought of myself as softhearted. It always seems that I make time for those I love, when most of the time all I get back is crumbles. I am always the one waiting for someone. It feels like I am almost being put not just in second, but in last place. Maybe that issue comes from my myself; had I not forgiven quickly, had I not given people the time of the day, had I not been too kind to those who hurt me, it would be different. I see this issue frequently with parents - they try so hard to teach their children respect, love, appreciation, etc. They never listen. It's only when they're all grown and mature that they'd say "my mom was right". Typical.

"Listen carefully to me. Despite popular belief to the contrary, there is absolutely no power in intention...There is no difference in the person who intends to do things differently and the one who never thinks about it in the first place. Have you ever considered how often we judge ourselves by our intentions while we judge others by their actions? Yet intention without action is an insult to those who expect the best from you." ~ The Noticer

"You want to be part of my life, the door is always open. You want to leave my life, the door is open. But don't stand at the door, you're blocking the traffic"

Matthew West - Forgiveness

This song isn't new, but everytime I listen to it it'd remind me of people who went through horrible tragedies, i.e. the death of an innocent child by a drunk driver, families that were broken by an addiction, betrayal, murderers, etc... I would pray for these people who have been completely devastated by these horrific things - and at the same time, I'd thank God for giving me so many blessings because I can call myself a "white girl" as far as tragedies go in my life.

This song came up on the radio and all of the sudden, it had a whole new meaning to me... I had just gotten done with my last class so I went in my car and decided to lie down for a few minutes.
I lay down, closed my eyes, and I tried not to think about anything. Just have some "me" time - to relax, to let go of anything holding me back. 
Then, I opened my eyes, looked up at the sky and was astounded by the view. It was then that I had a "click" moment... seeing the sky from a different angle made me realize I was missing the whole point. We look at the sky every day and that can be such a ordinary thing, but how often do you lie down to appreciate it for a few minutes?

In the same way, we often try to look at things from the same angle, and maybe that's why we can't find answers to our problems, we keep repeating our mistakes, or we keep being hurt or hurting others.
Then this song came on, and that was the angle I needed to see. This song spoke to me from the very first few lines.

Forgiving others is important, but most of all... forgiving yourself is essential because it sets you free so you can live your life again. It doesn't mean you feel regretful, it just means that even though you had the best intentions in mind, sometimes you fall down. Sometimes things are above you and all you can do is try. We have to understand we go through dark moments once in a while and we can't blame ourselves for feeling discouraged, down, or sad. Sometimes we feel scared, lonely... but we can't feel sorry for ourselves. The key word here is "to be ok" with the not-so-hot moments and embrace it; it's about understanding that we are humans, full of sin, and we will not soar every day - but we sure try, because that's what makes us stronger.

During these times, perhaps all we need is a hand to walk us through all of the mess. But sometimes we need to be away, far; take a deep breath, and just appreciate the sky; enjoy the view.

It’s the hardest thing to give away

And the last thing on your mind today

It always goes to those that don’t deserve

It’s the opposite of how you feel

When the pain they caused is just too real

It takes everything you have just to say the word…

Forgiveness

Forgiveness

It flies in the face of all your pride

It moves away the mad inside

It’s always anger’s own worst enemy

Even when the jury and the judge

Say you gotta right to hold a grudge

It’s the whisper in your ear saying ‘Set It Free’

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable

Show me how to reach the unreachable

Help me now to do the impossible

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Help me now to do the impossible

Forgiveness

It’ll clear the bitterness away

It can even set a prisoner free

There is no end to what its power can do

So, let it go and be amazed

By what you see through eyes of grace

The prisoner that it really frees is you

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable

Show me how to reach the unreachable

Help me now to do the impossible

Forgiveness

I want to finally set it free

So show me how to see what Your mercy sees

Help me now to give what You gave to me

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Footnote: this one is a reminder for myself. 

Embrace the dark times, they will shape who you are. Be the best you can be during these moments, don't feel sorry or mad if you are not where you want to be - keep fighting and you'll get there. Never give up on yourself. Be strong. Be kind to the special ones in your life. Be kind to those who choose to leave too. Never lose hope. And most importantly: NEVER let go of your best asset - your heart.

?

Não pense que sou inocente

Não pense que sou tão fácil assim

Eu apenas lhe perdoei

O resto do caminho é seu para traçar

O que você quer?

Escolha!

A felicidade às vezes requer lágrimas e esforço
Nem sempre é um mar de rosas

O sucesso nunca vem fácil

Apenas esteja pronto para lutar

Abra seu peito e absorva tudo - seus erros e acertos

A estrada é longa...

Você está disposto?

Veremos.

Happiness is within us.

I've written a lot of times about happiness. I've always tried to keep the mindset that we can set our own happiness.
So many times this year already I've had things hit me so hard and knock me down... but I always keep in my mind that "this too shall pass" - and those unfortunate situations won't make me unhappy.

Within the last 12 months, I got into the biggest fight I have ever had with my brother; I called him things I never meant to - listening to the words that came out of my mouth broke my own heart... I had become somebody I wasn't: revengeful. I later on apologized to him in a letter, and I do hope one day he can forgive me. During that same time, the person who I thought would be there for me through this, decided to leave. I was heart broken twice! My heart had become so numb that I couldn't even cry. I was leaving the house at 5 in the morning and coming back home at 11 pm. Brutal. I was working endless hours, which later on I found out that all those hours of hard work weren't going to be paid. I quit my job. I felt like I wasn't appreciated and that my hard work, all those hours I put my heart and soul into it, had gone to waste!
Somehow, through all this mess, I met a wonderful person who put my life into perspective - he made me realize that I am not a horrible person, I was just hurt. He made me discover how strong I was and how much I was capable of. He pushed me emotionally, mentally, and physically. That person grabbed my hand and took me out of the hole I dug myself into. I don't think I will ever be able to repay for that short amount of time that he was able to help me.
Then, I had the person that had left me for two months, come back to me and say that he made the biggest mistake of his life. That shook my world. At that time, I was fine - I had realized how strong I could be, how much I had accomplished and that I could actually stand on my own feet again. His words to me meant so much - but I wasn't sure if I was ready to give this person, who had hurt me so much, a second chance? Well, I've always been one that chooses love over most  things, so I took the chance. At that time, I had a chance to crush his heart, like he did to me, and to soar high and feel no pitty for him. But I didn't. Instead, I took the chance to being hurt again, to open my heart so our love could be reborn. That's what I did, and that's what happened. Our love was reborn. We were closer than we had ever been. Our relationship had more trouble than before, yes, but we were working through them because we knew how much we loved each other, and that would rise above any issues - or so I thought.
For awhile, I struggled with trust. I didn't trust him he would communicate with him, I was scared of him leaving me. Feeling like that for a few months took some years out of my life but I pushed myself hard enough to bring down the wall I had carefully built. I, however, eventually did destroy that wall of doubt and fear.
The new year came and it was time to start thinking about what university I would transfer. I've had my eyes on San Diego, but now I had this wonderful man beside me that was brave and humble enough to come back and apologize for his mistakes. I had a man who would make me smile through any obstacles I faced; I had a man who would hold me tight at night, who would kiss me good night. How could I leave this man like this? He and I were what I've always wanted to have in a relationship - a person who understood my shortcomings and appreciated my virtues. I felt so blessed and loved.
This whole puzzle consumed me for months. One day I thought I wanted to go, the other I thought I wanted to stay. 
It was then that I had a plan... I wanted to stay, buy a house, and give love a shot [again].
Well, my plans didn't really go as planned. I found out that having my own home and ridding myself from landlords wouldn't be an option in the near future. That CRUSHED me. I know I dream big, but somehow I thought it could work. Well, I overcame that pretty quickly and decided to just be glad where I was - happy, with the man I love, and doing what I had dreamt since 14 - going to college abroad.
The contemplation only got worse though: now I wouldn't have what I had planned here... San Diego just seemed like such a much better option for a while - better school, better weather, more opportunity. Only one problem - no emotional support, greater financial stress, far away. Now what? What do I choose? A college that could give me all the opportunities I had always dreamt I could have, or the place where I knew I could be happy and could still give me opportunities? 
I was still undecided when I heard back from San Diego. I got denied, and it was my fault. I didn't complete all the necessary steps for the application to be valid, and they denied me. I had a cumulative 4.0 and there was no way they could deny me! I was CRUSHED, HEART BROKEN, DISAPPOINTED AT MYSELF, LOST, CONFUSED. I never knew I wanted that so much, until I lost it. Funny, huh? I hear all the time how people don't fully appreciate others until they've lost them. Well, it had finally happened to me, but it just wasn't a person this time. It was that afternoon that I knew where I should go. I just wasn't sure I could do it (meaning: was I strong enough?).
I honestly started to doubt myself that I wasn't strong enough to go through a big change in my life again. I thought I wasn't strong enough to be able to do it on my own! In hindsight, I laugh how faithless in myself I was. "What do you mean you can't do it? Girl, you've been through hell and back. What do you mean you can't deal with a simple change of city? Get your shit together." 
That's what I should have said. But I didn't. Instead, I convinced myself I was better off staying here, in the safe zone, rather than being who I was - a brave, adventure-seeking person. Honestly, I am not one bit regretful of my decision - I know why I chose what I did - I chose love, once again, because I believed in it with every ounce of my body.

The decision was made. I was staying. Meanwhile, I had to get everything done for my stay here: I had to get another place because the house I lived was being sold. That was two months of hell. Find a roommate. Find a place. Check and check. Now all I needed was a cosignor so I could move into this great apartment. I spent about two months pretty much knocking on every one of my friend's door, crying out for help. I got nothing. I felt like I couldn't really rely on anybody; I felt alone - everytime I needed help, I was turned down. That has been a big lesson so far. I can count on one hand those I know that will be there through thick and thin. This experience made me feel appreciate them so much more. I eventually figured out the apartment issue and I was on track to getting all my stuff done to stay here. I was actually happy to be giving this a chance, and I couldn't wait for this new chapter in my life to begin.
Well, I was about to finalize my papers on Monday! I was about to go to see my parents for a summer; and he, the person who has been through all of this with me, was going with me - or so I thought.

It turns that that he left me once again. And he just didn't leave me. He left my parents who put their lives on hold for his visit, my friends who were anxious to meet him, my country awaited him! After sharing so many special moments together, going through the good and the bad, how can somebody just give up on you like that? I had never given myself so much to somebody like that. It's hard to wrap your heard around how one can just leave without "warning". I couldn't believe all those moments we shared were just gone... laughter, hugs, meals together, adventures, all the plans we had... it just didn't matter anymore. For two whole days, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. 

But I needed that.

The reason I am writing all of this here is ONE: so I don't forget this very important year of my life that has been a very decisive year and every decision I made and make during this year will shape how I face future struggles and accomplishments. Reason TWO is because the reason as to why he left me was that "he wasn't happy"...

Upon several sleepless nights and those words circling my head like vultures,
I realized something: HAPPINESS IS WITHIN US. A friend showed me an article that talked about how you can't blame the person you are with for your own unhappiness, and I quote: "He can't try to blame me for his pain. Unload his feelings of personal disgrace onto me. (...) The truth feels like the biggest sucker-punch of them all: It's not a spouse, or land, or a job, or money that brings us happiness. Those achievements, those relationships, can enhance our happiness, yes, but happiness has to start from within. Relying on any other equation can be lethal."

Yes, people have their issues. But who doesn't? People disagree. But who doesn't? Nobody is happy all the time. I still believe in the power of love - the power to bring two people together even though they were raised in different ways, went through different obstacles in life, have different likes and dislikes, act a certain way, etc. I especially believe in the power of God in our relationship - he's a teacher, a shepherd; he guides and show us how we should conduct our relationships. I believe He can renew ourselves and our relationships. I believe we can choose to be happy, to look at the blessings in our lives - or we can choose to look at the dark spots, the bruises, and let that dictate our lives.

After all I went through, I can say I have been happy through it all. I've been able to look at my darkest moments and find gratefulness. I can say I've had my bad days, my bad weeks... but ultimately, I am happy doing what I have been doing: fighting against every obstacle that comes my way. Being strong. I am happy and DAMN PROUD of myself for allowing me to cry sometimes. I am happy to make myself vulnerable and offer others the best I can be, despite my shortcomings. I am happy for giving others a second chance, for letting new people into my life to change me for the better. I am happy for putting myself out there, for never giving up on my dreams. Life is not easy, life is not always a bed of roses... but it is damn worth it. I can find happiness within myself. I can find closure knowing that I did the best I could. And that's all I can do. We can't control what life throws at us, but we can certainly control how we react to every single situation in our every day lives. 

I choose to be happy. That is all. I am happy and I will continue to be happy, regardless of what life has in store for me.

Just another breakup

Well, and so it happens again. I find myself not understanding this situation - like always; but this isn't news to me, it's just life... one day you're standing and have where to lean on, the other day you're limping with nothing to hold on. However, it's in times like these that I can be my strongest, chin up, and be proud of who I truly I am: a damn tough mother fucker. I've dealt with some pretty hard shit, and you know what? This isn't anything close to what life has thrown at me before at a much younger age. 

"Remember, my child, anyone can love you when the sun is shining. In the storms is where you learn who truly cares for you." 

There goes another one...

Just another heartbreak

Just another heartache
Another bad lie, another goodbye looking for another
Heart to break

I felt it coming

The beginning of our end

It's replaying on my mind

And I guess I just can't comprehend

It's just another break up

It's for the better

That's all it matters

All the expectations and hope
They're all gone

That's what hurts the most

I'm not sad
I'm just done

Tired of doing this on my own

Tired of having to move on

Just another broken heart

Just another fresh start

P.S. don't give a second chance to someone who won't do the same;

don't give all your heart to someone who doesn't appreciate it;

don't try hard to fix things when nobody else is trying;
do not care too much when someone else only cares about themselves;
don't put someone as a priority, when they don't put you as one;

don't commit fully to those who never wanted to commit.

and remember - smile through the darkness,

the stars are beautiful too.

"Keep your head up, God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers"