Goodbye

Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation. 

~ Rumi

Sometimes, I think about the feeling I had when I hugged my mom and dad for the last time before boarding to go for my exchange program. So many emotions where tied to that hug. Fear. Excitement. Confusion. All of these feelings revolved around the unknown. I had no idea what was before me. As I hugged my parents, I also felt a little regret, as I was putting my parents through suffering for something completely "selfish" - my eagerness to explore. My heart felt heavy as I saw my mom's eyes starting to water. I couldn't even cry. I think my body was filled with so much adrenaline that my body entered into a "shock" state. I didn't know if I felt truly happy or truly scared. It all felt the same. Or everything felt like nothing. I was numb. I also remember the reoccurring thought of "you chose this" going through my head a lot, so many times when I felt sadness or loneliness I'd always remind me that I chose this, and I had to be strong; this is what I wanted, and It was worth it. 

During the almost 24 hrs trip, I had a lot of time to think. So I began to reenact the happy moments of my life, as well as the sad ones. All the events that had led me to that moment. All the years I had dreamed and spent several nights awake imagining what it'd all be like, creating adventures in my head, praying every single night for God to grant me my dream. I'd remember the people who helped me to get to that point. I'd remember the people who discouraged me. I'd remember the people who doubted me. I remembered every single event that led to my dream to come true.

The thing is, our dreams and reality are quite paradoxical. Nothing is really like the movies; nothing is really like our dreams. We aren't smiling all the time. Life isn't a breeze - we have thunderstorms, and rain, and blizzards. We all have our own battles to fight. The one I still struggle nowadays is loneliness. More often that I'd like to admit, I feel like I don't really belong. Aside from a few people who make me feel like I'm part of their family, I feel alone. 

Several times when I feel nostalgic/lonely I find a quiet, relaxing spot, close my eyes, and relive happy moments. It's the same thing I'd do when my dad was not home at night. I'd get one of his shirts, and I'd sleep with it right next to me, so I could smell his shirt; his smell would make me calm, it'd bring such comfort to my soul that I couldn't even try to explain the feeling accurately. Like my dad's shirt, these moments bring such happiness to my soul to think about them and to feel the same way I felt on such events. It's like my own travel machine. 

Ever since, I have a very distinct view on goodbyes. If I ever feel like I've lost a friend (or we aren't in touch as often...), or if I don't see my family and friends in Brazil as often... it doesn't make me sad (or should I say, as sad as it used to make me). I just begin to revive the moments we had together and reflect - those were good days... If a love or a friendship is meant to last long, it will last - no matter how great the physical distance is, no matter how long we haven't spoken to each other. That person is in my heart, forever. I keep them in my heart. The remembrance will never leave me. They won't leave me because I'll always remember how much they mean to me, how happy they've made me feel, how much they've helped me. I try not to take any moment for granted. Life is too special, people are too precious to not appreciate them. Even if the future may take you in divergent roads - take the memories in your heart. Nobody can steal those from you.

I am thankful for the past, present, and future people that choose to pass my way. I am equally thankful for those who choose to stay. We all leave a mark on people's lives. I am thankful for each and every one who chose to put a mark on my heart -  it's because of them that I am who I am.